Why I Keep Writing A Cancer Blog

Right now, there are no known cancer cells in Chase’s body…

For the last year, this one good but crazy thought has rolled around in my head; nearly taunting me as I write. It wasn’t until the last, short and quiet hours of 2016, as I looked to the new year that I finally had the courage to whisper-soft, consciously acknowledge the question that has been almost too big to consider: Why keep writing about a cancer life when there are no cancer cells? 

The essence, the seemingly most dramatic part of Chase’s story to date is already in writing, so why keep at it? …to what purpose? Who cares and who listens?

And by that last question, know that I don’t ask for general edification and kind feedback, but in genuine bewilderment: my boy, he carries a weight of rarity with him and because of all the 1-in-a-million type scenarios, we carry that weight too. And this weight; well, it leads to wondering where we fit into life. It leads to questioning how our story works into all the life stories around us – genuine, bewildered musing if, short of the ultimate redemption story and the end of time; there is a place for our words. Is there a belonging for this half life that is, in reality a full-and-a-half life? At times, making a big, written deal about all the ongoing feels like I’m trying to sculpt an emotional mountain out of side-effect-riddled mole hills. This is decimating…but not as decimating as a brain surgery or a death, so… 

Oh yes, my days (and often nights) are filled with atypical happenings that can almost always be traced to either cancer or treatment damage, yet, everyone has atypical and difficult things in their lives.  So, why write?

Then the answer came in the whisper-soft: cancer, side effects, hard days, painful seasons – all of it – when you strip away the specifics like mutant cells, broken bones, poverty, illness – all of it comes down to this: The unexpected. The unplanned. The unwanted.

Bobby and I used to joke about this during Chase’s treatment. We always said that one day, we’d write a book called “What To Expect When You’re Expecting The Unexpected” — possibly followed by a sure-bestseller: “What To Expect When You’re Expecting A Brain Tumor”. Super light and fun reading, for sure. 

But it’s true, really. The hard things are often the unexpected ones – the “please take this cup from me, God” ones and somehow, I forgot (and will surely keep forgetting) that the ultimate fight is surrender and joy in the unexpected.

So, I will continue to keep a blog about cancer – or rather, a cancer life as it evolves. And I will continue on social media too. Because even though there aren’t operating rooms and oncology halls in our daily life right now, I desire to see God in the unexpected and our stories are not yet finished.

Moment by moment.

Because the best way to handle the unexpected is to have a strong guide who goes ahead of you…