I don’t want to write tonight, but there is much to share.
Yesterday, we had a full schedule of appointments at the hospital – Chase was cleared post-op by his neurosurgeon and was cleared pre-chemo by the oncology team. Oh, and in the middle of all the scheduled visits we had a series of UNscheduled visits when his father and I (please, keep in mind that we are parents of four, and in this moment, we only had ONE to watch) ignored that one wiggle that sent him backwards off his cafeteria chair and onto the floor…on his baseball head. Oh my. He’s completely fine. Someday, Bob and I will recover too.
After all our meetings yesterday, we got to go home for a few hours and then came back very early this morning for Chase’s second trip into the OR in 2 weeks – this time for a central line, spinal tap, and first spinal injection of chemo.
As I write this, we are back in one of our lovely lake view rooms on the oncology floor. For this first chemo visit, he stays for several days, incredibly vigilant monitoring, and lots and lots of chemo drugs.
Oh, the drugs! In some ways, this is harder to handle than his surgery. I hate the thought of what these life-saving drugs are going to do to him. Each infusion makes this more real…or at the very least, keep us from ever forgetting where we are and why. I find myself pondering again and again the strange and sober mercy that allows such suffering in the now for the benefit of long term. (always pondering it…never questioning it)
Today has really been a good day and Chase is doing incredibly well given the circumstances. So why didn’t I want to write? Because today is a struggle for me. Not a high-level freak out… Just a low level wishing things were other than what they are. I feel very weak in the “bigness” of this disease and it’s implications.
In this moment, I know that I need to be reminded of Truth.
“Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:28-31 (ESV)
Though I am weary, God is not. Though I am weak, God is not. Though I am very intimidated by my son’s chemo protocol, God is not. Though I have no idea what our future holds … GOD KNOWS. In fact, He more than knows…He has perfectly crafted and designed these events in a symphony of praise and glory beyond our wildest and most beautiful imaginings.
Moment by moment perspective.
Moment by moment grace.
Oh, Ellie, this post made me weep. You are so precious…I would not have been able to write this without crying my eyes out. Maybe you are, and that’s OK. Want to share a story with you that was shared eloquently at a women’s retreat nearly 25 years ago when I had 3 little ones and another one on the way. There was not a dry eye in the place. Jan Carlberg was the speaker and she shared this, which has been a comfort to me ever since. There was a little girl who needed a bone marrow transplant. Her father was the perfect match. The donor has to go through a very painful surgery to donate the bone marrow, but the father was glad, even eager to do so. As father and little girl were wheeled into surgery together, the little girl looked up, and on the IV bag was written, “From Daddy, with Love”…. Think about this, your family, and you especially, are going through a terrible, terrible, painful, awful hard time, but your Father is there with you, going through it with you, and IT IS HURTING HIM, TOO, but He wants you to know, He loves you, and will be right there with you through the whole thing, donating whatever you need to get you through this…I’m not explaining it as well as she did, but all I have to say is, “From Daddy, with Love” and I weep. What a picture of His comassionate, sacrificial love for us. Love from Austria. You all are in our prayers. Donna Jeanne
Though I know you not, you and your family are in my prayers. Your strength is an inspiration to us all. Thank you for allowing others into your most personal life.
Moment by moment, yes. Exactly. Praying for you all.
Bob and Ellie,
As I read this post I am reminded of one of my favorite verses – Psalm 91:11
He will put his angels in charge of you to protect you in all your ways.
Hold on to this verse and let it bring you comfort in the hardest of days.
Hello to you all from the Lords. We’ve been praying since we heard the news about Chase and will continue. Sending <<>> to you all. PS. Ellie, you have a gift for writing!
Ellie, I have to agree with Donna when she says she’s crying her eyes out. I am doing the same. I am so in awe of you and your strength right now. Just reading this and seeing that precious boy is so hard for me and I’m not sure I could feel the way you do. Only through God would I be able to and that’s where my focus is now. I think of Chase, you, and your family daily and I only wish I could do more. Prayer is powerful and I know there are a lot of prayers going up for you all. I have never met your beautiful children, but I know you and what they mean to you. You have a wonderful family and support system there, but also know there is someone in Nashville (more than just me actually) praying for you and Chase. Love you.
I have no words to say except that I’m sorry you have to walk this road. Fortunately you are not alone.
With love and tears-
Matt, JoAnne and Luke
You are often in my thoughts and always in my prayers – God bless all
Ellie, you are truly a woman of amazing faith wrapped with a peace that only comes from God. I have a grown son making choices that are ripping my heart to shreds. I know that God works together all things for the good of those who know Him and love Him. I have had beautiful voices of Christ speak into me, reassuring me that God will take care of the details. I need only trust Him, leave my son at the cross, and trust that God will take care of the rest. My friend told me of your post and mentioned how humbling it is to read your posts. I have spent some time reading through them and truly am humbled. Thank you for sharing your family’s journey as you endure Chase’s triumphs and struggles. I will be putting you and your family on my prayer list and following the progress forward.