Early in the dawn, we will make the well-worn journey again.
Try to sleep…
Don’t eat anything…
Try not to feel sick…it’s going to be okay…
Here’s the favorite blanket…
Four rounds of 10,000 Reasons...
Answer the needle fears over and over again…
Answer the most heart-breaking question of all, because it somehow always overflows on a hospital day: what if I get the cancer again?
How do you explain that hours-long, intense testing has nothing to do with cancer? …yet has everything to do with cancer? It all feels the same when you’re a little kid. The same rituals, pains and fears; never mind that there may or may not be atypical cells attacking. It all feels cancerous and scary when you’re seven.
But tomorrow morning isn’t about what’s happening. It’s about what’s not happening. Chase’s body doesn’t want to grow on it’s own anymore, so for the first time in a long time, he’ll be admitted to the day hospital and they’ll attach needles to inject medicine and more needles to take blood. And then they’ll do both over and over by the hour until they have enough to prove that cancer damages. Because the sad truth is that there’s no funding if it can’t be proved on paper, submitted, filed, bottom-lined, than our reality is just that: ours alone.*
There is no self-pity in that truth, I promise. There’s shock and sadness; a deep desire to be known, but not pity. Not now, not today. Because I believe above all things that this tomorrow and all the days have a purpose we do not yet know and cannot yet appreciate fully. This test day tomorrow is just more gazing into the mirror and beholding an unclear, somewhat painful reflection.
We will breathe through the pain of damage and the desire for wholeness, but the heartache is so very real, and right now, Chase’s fear sits on the surface of, well, everything. He has struggled all week, including throwing off constraints where and when he can (like refusing to get on the school bus) — anything and everything to try and find control when he has so very little.
Will you pray for Chase tomorrow? We’d so appreciate it.
Seeking the light and momentary perspective...moment by moment.
“This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9, NLT
[All pictures are courtesy of Jan Terry and Lurie Children’s from a wonderful event earlier this week]
*All my love to the brave souls fighting their insurance companies for the treatments they need.
Dear Ellie,
I’m Carol McMillion formerly Carol Rogers. I taught you in sunday school way back in the days at Naperville Bible Church. I follow your story because Stephanie Rogers is my daughter in law. Anyway I’d like to share something from my devotions this morning which I think apply to your comments above. I read Sarah Young’s “Jesus Always” . Today Jesus says, “My paths are beyond tracing out. Relinquish your demand to understand;accept the fact that many things are simply beyond your comprhension. Because I am infinite and you are finite, the limitations of your mind make it impossible for you to understand much of what happens in your life__and in the world.So it is vital to make room for mystery in your worldview. We are priviledged to know what is revealed through the Bible and we are very blessed to know all that. Nontheless, the ways I work in your world are often mysterious to you___beyond tracing out. This presents you with a choice: to resent My ways or to bow before Me in wonder and worship. Marvel at the
depth of the riches of my wisdom and knowledge.” I know you are already handling your life so graciously. I love your writing. I just wanted to enter the conversation and encourage you. You are in my prayers.
Of course I remember you, Carol! What beautiful and encouraging words! Thank you so much for sharing them with me. Blessings!