I am not sad to see this week end.
The end of chemo is so close that we can practically taste it and the full depth and breadth of all that Chase has been through in the last 14 months seems to settle a little more heavily with each chemo injection. The week started well with some little victories, but Chase quickly fell under the chemo – getting more tired and more aggressive as the week went on.
I don’t often write about Chase’s aggression…in fact, I can’t think of a time I’ve ever written about it. It’s a very difficult aspect for me to accept, let alone put into writing. Chase is a passionate and strong fighter. I still remember the doctor delivering him and saying “It’s a boy! …and he seems to be holding his head up on his own…wow.” This, we love. The pure stubborn defines so much of his cancer fight. Unfortunately, as it mixes with the brain damage and the treatment toxicity, and is magnified by the constant pain and discomfort, it exhibits itself in screaming, hitting, biting, and kicking. Frequently. He’s almost always quick to calm, and is always quickly remorseful, desiring to “make it right” with the person he hurt, showering them with hugs and kisses and telling them he’s sorry and he’ll never do it again, but the raw truth is that the days and weeks when he struggles like this sometimes seem like months and years. He walks through this intense treatment with more grace and strength than I ever could, but it getting the better of his temper is an honest and almost daily reality and I mention it here so that you can pray for Bob and me as we help him through this. Pray for us to give him grace while still encouraging him to be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger (James 1:19-20).
When Chase isn’t being aggressive, he loves interacting with people. On Monday, as we were waiting in clinic, he saw one of the nurse assistants and after chatting with her for a moment, he informed her that he needed to stay in clinic to see his doctor, but that she could go “find my room and make my bed”. Luckily, the CNA, besides being an excellent maker of beds, had quite a sense of humor.
This week, I also had a conversation with the amazing woman behind the organization that provided Christmas for our family last year. She told me that she had gone to the hospital earlier in 2012 and asked them who, in their medical estimation, only had a few months to live and wouldn’t see another Christmas. Chase was among those named. Almost a year ago. I’m in awe of these tiny glimpses of how God completely surpasses what we think we understand to be the course set before us.
But the reality is that facing Chase’s mortality again, and his frustrated aggression, and another week of chemo, and the needs of three other littles have left me physically exhausted and Chase’s on-and-off again elevated temperatures and visibly weakened condition have worn away at what little mental and emotional strength I had left. I didn’t even want to write because the week was hard and my response to it was often ugly. I’m staring down a new week beginning and thinking to myself “I barely survived last week! What do you mean there’s another one coming at me?”
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:30-31 NIV
This is my answer. Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes.*
Moment by moment.
*excerpt from 10,000 Reasons; Chase’s favorite song.
Thank you for sharing the honest reality of your situation. It helps us know how to pray specifically for you all. My heart goes out to you and Bob, and of course, Chase! Please know that God is using you to encourage us all to trust and obey, no matter what life throws at us. May you feel HIS strength, moment by moment.
I hope you can feel all our arms around your family, Ellie. That’s in addition to God’s huge, competent, compassionate, saving ones as well. He understands exactly what’s going through your entire physical self & knows better than any of us how to give you relief. Know that we are keeping all of you bathed in prayer daily. You have been called to this “hardship” (such an inadequate word) at this time for His special reasons, so you know full well that He never leaves or forsakes any of you. There is an awesome testimony going forth from every one of you concerning the incredible God we serve in the midst of our lives. As children of God, we know we can count on Him to be by our sides, too, in whatever comes our way. It is a miraculous way to deepen everyone’s faith. Only God would ever have chosen this path for you, but in doing so, He was telling us how much trust He has in your faith in Him. It is an incredible knowledge. Love you all.
Yeah, I love this. It doesn’t for a second come off wrong or weak, it is just honest. I think it just goes to show that different people struggle at different times, you know? I thought you’d be hitting a wall a year ago, but for you maybe it’s the long buildup till now, when you are exhausted.
Praying for strength and grace, enough for each day.
Kacie, this is such a great insight. I would have thought the same thing too…but have been quite surprised at the cumulative effect. Thank you so much for all your prayers – you are such an encouragement to us!
Oh, friend. Praying for you and these needs. Wish I lived close enough to help in more tangible ways. xo
Thank you, dear friend! I wish you were closer too, but trust God in where He has us… and thankful for the myriad of ways to stay in contact. So appreciate your encouragement!
Ellie you have never met me but I am one of the many who lift you up in prayer every day. I am glad you wrote this and we can be a little more specific in our prayers. I often wondered how your brave little guy could endure all he is going through. Of course you are drained in all ways. You and your family are dived in so many ways trying to divide you time between Chase and the other children. Don’t be afraid to share your feelings. I think it is wonderful you share with us. God Bless You and give you strength.
Thank you, Rosella!
Hang in there sweetie. God will give you the strength to get thru this. Will be praying for you all.
Tricia
Love you, dear Tricia!
Nearly every day praying for Chase but thank you for sharing and allowing us to be reminded to hold all the Ewoldts (and Pooles) up in prayer.
Thank you so much, John! We so appreciate it!
Oh, Ellie, as little Johanna had a high fever this week, and thinking of how much it concerned me, I couldn’t help but reflect on all that little Chase and your family have had to go through in this last year, and it caused me to pray more passionately for you all. I remarked to a friend that I didn’t know how you all were coping as you were, and that I don’t think I could ever endure it. But almost as soon as I said those words, I recalled the truth in the word of God ( and that you yourself have said to me) that God is the giver of the strength and of the measure of grace to make it in the hard circumstances that He allows us to pass through. Thank you for being a conduit and an example to others. I know you didn’t choose it, but I thank you for clinging faithfully to the God that is allowing you to walk through the valley. We love you all and pray for continued strength and encouragement. May God touch little Chase’s body and mind. <3
Jennifer, we were praying for Johanna last week! It’s so scary being in an ER and not knowing what’s going on. I hope she’s doing better!
You said it perfectly…this is SO about God in us. …and for that, we’re SO thankful! Love you, friend!
Ellie,
As I have followed your Facebook posts and blogs, I am amazed at your inner strength – thanks to our Amazing GOD! I have prayed for Chase often and wanted to ask your permission to “share” your story with a friend, Tabita, whose little son is battling a cancer which has returned with a vengeance….she, too, has 3 other children and is a real trooper. But my thinking is that the 2 of you can be of enormous help and encouragement to each other — do let me know if this would be ok for me to do! (((())))s and prayers to you and your family!
Lynne, please, please feel free to share! It would bless us so much! We will be praying for Tabitha and her children. God is faithful!!
Ellie,
You don’t know me, but I read your blog often and pray for you each time.
I am the mom of fellow MBI students who know Bob. As a cancer nurse, I see all sides of the picture of treatment for patients and families.
You have to be brave and strong, yet inside you are so tired and worn out with all the responsibilities for all your children and your home.
It is ok to share your struggles – it encourages others to see how you can trust God through them, and how HE carries you along.
Now I know some other things to pray about – and I will. Ruth Wood
Ruth, I so appreciate your perspective and words of encouragement. Thank you so much!
This morning I cried with my Dad over the intensity of the yin and yang we experience. Your struggle is such a powerful example of this. I’ m always praying for peace, and will direct this energy towards your family as well.
Thank you, Stephanie!
Continuing to lift you all up in prayer, friend that I’ve never met. May God grant you the peace and strength that only He can give…
Thank you, Kate! We so appreciate all the prayer!
Dear Ellie & Bob,
AMAZED:
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
While we were yet sinners, still are sinners, dust to dust….
HIS “power” looks for weakness/humility…HE is looking for it!
to raise up the weak !
As HE pleases ….. when HE pleases. Any moment….
and HE tells us to be “glad”…GLAD!!!…
in our weakness……not sweat it, trust HIM …. HE carries the heavy load.
Yes, I too am learning to trust HIM with my obedience AND my failures.
It’s all about our Triune God.
Praying for you all! Donna
Thank you, dear Donna. What beautiful encouragement!