Weeds and Worry

There is a patch of dirt that lies under the front windows of our little blue and brick house. It borders the sidewalk that runs from the door to the driveway and in this place, beneath the shallow layer of dirt lies very old concrete. And on top of the concrete are small landscaping stones long buried. Very little grows in this small place besides weeds. The weeds come every year no matter what I do, and they drive me a little crazy, because I like things clean and neat and orderly – especially when life feels anything but… 

So each summer, sooner or later, I can be found on my hands and knees on the front walk, shoveling mulch and declaring war against new weeds. 

This summer, not so very long ago, I was in the middle of my little war, hands stiff and crusting with that dried dirt feeling, when Chase came over to me.

He was out of breath from riding his bike and he doubled over next to where I crouched, his hands on his knees, arms stiff. 

“Why are you worrying about this, Mom?”

I was not into this parenting moment, my voice pulling short like the torn roots in my hands. “Because, Chase.” 

I reached for another weed, trying not to think about how tired he sounded from a normal activity, how white his skin looked despite the warm sun that should make it rosy from exertion.

“Mom…” His small hand landed on my shoulder then. His voice too old for his body. “Mom, don’t worry about the weeds.”

I can never resist his heart to reassure, my own melting at his words even as I stubbornly fought to explain. “Chase, this is part of my job…part of how I care for our house and our family.” 

Could he not see how much I needed just one thing to be right, to go right, to line up in that moment?

He shook his head. “But Mom, sometimes there are weeds in life and it’s okay. Don’t worry about them. Just take a deep breath. It’ll be okay. Don’t worry about the weeds, Mom.”

Sometimes things aren’t the way we want them to be. The dirt patches of life feel too small, too clogged, too messy.

We toil and weep and things still crop up over …and over again.

Like weeds…

Like fear… 

Like doubt…

It’s easy to get on our hands and knees over these places; to obsess. 

But as Chase said… it’s okay, dear ones. At the end of the day, these weeds are a futility and not the ultimate focus. So weep, but don’t obsess, because there is a better rest to be had. Get up off your hands and knees and give the uprooted pieces to the One who can handle them better, best and forever …and take a deep breath. 

Do you feel His hand on your shoulder?

Moment by moment. 

“But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in You.”

Psalm 56:3 (NLT)

**On Wednesday, October 14th, Chase will be undergoing a bone marrow biopsy. Thank you for your prayers, dear ones. MbM.**

Life Lessons From Broken Glasses

It seems like life is all about what we can see.

But what happens when we can’t see?

What happens when the paradigm blurs and we’re left to wander, not even in the dark, but in the fuzziness – life without definition?


Mother’s Day, sitting on the front porch in the sun…

He lunged before I could stop him. I should have seen it coming. It’s happened so many times before. “BUT I WANT TO…!” The argument is always a tired and tried variation of the same.

Chase pushes the boundaries… I reestablish the boundaries… Chase struggles to give an appropriate voice to his disappointment.

Then comes the lunge – and if I’m lucky and wise; I see it coming.

But on Mother’s Day, of all special days, I did not. And my glasses hit the pavement with a sickening crack, splitting clean down the center – as clean a break as our lives are messy.

His screaming stopped as the import of the action sunk in. A damage on the weekend…no back up glasses, no contacts, no nothing. Just blur. The world was suddenly reduced to a foot or two in front of my face.

Driving only as a necessity… Clean the floors of toys so mom doesn’t trip… Try not to walk into anything.

“I’m so sorry, Mommy”; he said in his remorse-filled way. The anger having drained as fast as it came. “Can’t we fix them?”

Yes, but not now. I would stay in a state of undefined navigation for four days.

At first, on the surface, the lesson seemed to come for Chase: your actions affect others. Sometimes the anger will leave more than sadness – it will leave brokenness that can’t be easily repaired. Those were the thoughts that unfolded as we stood on the front walk and stared at the broken pieces of black plastic that had been my constant companions for years.

But somehow, in the four days that followed, the lesson turned from Chase to me.

How do I live when I can’t see?

Things are so much easier when I can either close my eyes for total nothingness or open my eyes for total clarity.

I found that I did not like the in-between. The waiting. Surrounded by things I know, but could not see. Things that were not clear until they were close.

The truth of seeing life “through a mirror dimly” is frustrating. The truth of a “God, can’t you fix it?” prayer answered with “Yes, but not now” is often more than we want to bear.

Shapes rise up out of the distance and become clear just as they hit you in the face: like cancer, like the child in trouble at school, like the husband who has to work late again, like feeling alone. Clarity makes for safety while the lack of it forces me to rely on something other than sight – something outside myself.

Funny how broken pieces of plastic on Mother’s Day force me into “seeing” weakness and strength in new ways. And, if I’m honest, I wasn’t so much “seeing” as “re-learning”. Perhaps we are – at times and seasons – robbed of the sight we most rely on so as to SEE HIM.

I can be weak because HE is strong.

I can wait because HE is time itself.

I can rest because HE fights for me.

And when asked to, I can abide in blurriness because the truth is that my life is only undefined to me. To God, our lives are deeply, perfectly clear. Always and forever.

So, in the blur, the noise, the wait for faith to be sight, we wait on Him: moment by moment.

“And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight, the clouds be rolled back as a scroll; the trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend…even so, it is well with my soul.” ~ H.G. Spafford

Choose To Live

I first had the honor of meeting Stephanie Goodall over the phone. I remember it well…she was sitting quietly in a hospital room on the 17th floor, I was at home washing the dishes. She was isolated from her other children and I was constantly getting mine to be quiet to I could talk on the phone. We had been connected by a director at St. Baldrick’s

Cancer mama sisters (L-R) Sarah, Ellie, Stephanie

when she realized that Stephanie’s son, Jonah and my Chase shared not only a hospital, but some of the same doctors as well. “You’ll like her, Ellie. She reminds me of you. She’s got four kids, faith, and writes a blog too.” Little did I know that I’d not only like Stephanie, but be encouraged by her and be even slightly in awe of her love for life and commitment to joy in the unthinkable. We were finally able to meet in person this past Saturday night at the Hearts For Hope Gala – what a joy it was to hug this dear sister in real life!

It was at this gala that Stephanie spoke: she opened up her heart and shared Jonah’s story – incredibly, beautifully formed. Jonah goes in for an MRI on Tuesday, May 23 around 1:00 CST and I’m thrilled to be sharing Stephanie’s text from the gala with you – not only so you can be encouraged, but so that you too can join in prayer for darling Jonah and the Goodall family. As you read these words, they’ll be on their way to the hospital.

“Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me… ”

Meet Stephanie and Jonah:

“When Christina originally asked me to share our story [at the gala], I was excited to share a story filled with hope, optimism, overcoming odds and lessons learned.  I was going to share a story that wrapped up nicely with a ribbon – that may have made you feel a little sad or uncomfortable at points but would have ended happy and hopeful.  Pediatric cancer isn’t like that though – and based on recent MRI results, our ribbon has frayed.  But before I get to the today in of our story let me go back to the beginning.

Our story probably begins in the Spring of 2014.  Jonah was a happy, healthy, energetic, bright 3 1/2 year old who was wildly popular in preschool.  He had both an older brother and sister as well as a baby sister.  That spring regular waves of nausea and vomiting started to interrupt Jonah’s exuberant play with growing frequency.  A visit to the GI doctor indicated everything was fine so Jonah was placed on a course of antacid and everything cleared up.  Jonah continued to live his life at full speed, with a bump in August 2014 when he was diagnosed with an anaphylactic allergy to flaxseed.

Super Bowl 49 is a game that will live in infamy in our family – not because the Patriots beat the Seahawks with the swirl of “Deflategate” in the background, but because Jonah had another flaxseed exposure that landed him in the ER.  After the Super Bowl event, Jonah’s nausea and vomiting returned and so we were back to GI.  This time the antacid didn’t help and in May 2015, Jonah was diagnosed with eosinophilic esophagitis (EOE), which is an allergenic condition of the esophagus that effect 1 out of every 2,000 people.  One of the best treatments for EOE is diet modification which we immediately implemented.  Unfortunately, Jonah seemed to be getting worse instead of better.  He was eating less and less, vomiting more and more.  Our bright, rambunctious, big living little boy was fading before our eyes.

By July, our pediatrician was growing concerned as well.  Jonah had become extremely lethargic and had lost almost ten pounds since the spring.  He then had a episode of double vision followed by an episode of “word salad” (using proper words in incoherent order) and we were sent to the local hospital for an urgent MRI.  What started out as a normal Wednesday, forever changed the lives of our whole family.  A tumor, the size of a plum, was discovered in the cerebellum of Jonah’s brain.  That evening we were transported to Lurie Children’s.

The following day, it was confirmed that Jonah had medulloblastoma, which had metastasized through his brain and spine.  Although medulloblastoma is the most common malignant pediatric brain cancer, only 400-500 cases are diagnosed a year. The days that followed were a blur – surgery to remove the tumor, a life threatening hematoma, 2 weeks intubated in the PICU, another hematoma, surgery to place a shunt and central line.  Jonah also suffered a sever case of posterior fossa syndrome as a result of the surgery, which only occurs 20-25% of the time.  Basically, Jonah’s body forgot how to listen to his brain – it was almost like he was in a coma, but he wasn’t – he couldn’t breathe for himself, eat, move, smile or talk.  As much as we longed to allow Jonah to recover from the posterior fossa syndrome, his cancer was too far spread and he didn’t have that luxury.

Pediatric cancer treatment decisions are a nightmare.  As a parent, you have to decide between terrible and horrible.  There isn’t a third, more pleasant option.  We choose terrible, and Jonah received 5 rounds of high dose chemotherapy often referred to as “the kitchen sink” on the oncology floor.  We then moved onto a 6th round of chemo that made the first 5 seem like child’s play, followed by a stem cell transplant.

In stereotypical fashion, we saw Jonah’s beautiful bright blonde hair fall out, we saw him continuously nauseous and throwing up so regularly that it stopped phasing any of us.  We saw mouth sores that required a morphine drip to dull the pain, skin rashes that caused him to peel from head to toe, sepsis from neutropenia and other random infections.  We saw him so miserable, it was hard to find the light in his eyes.

Because of the posterior fossa syndrome, when Jonah wasn’t at Lurie, he was at RIC (now the Shirley Ryan Ability Lab – a rehabilitation facility offering a variety of inpatient and outpatient therapy).  Jonah had to relearn how to eat, smile, laugh, talk, squeeze a finger, sit, stand and walk.  His hand dominance changed as his right side no longer possessed the strength it needed.  A boy who had learned to ride a 20” 2-wheel bike at 4 was relearning how to ride with adaptive tricycles.

Jonah’s treatment didn’t end there though.  He went on to have radiation as well.  Radiation isn’t great for a developing brain, so much so that doctors rarely recommend it for children under the age of 3.  In the window of 4-8, things are gray.  Radiation destroys developing brains and most brain development occurs before the age of 8.  Jonah was 5.  Radiation is however currently the most effective treatment for medulloblastoma and so we moved forward.  Although our team couldn’t tell us the specifics, they guaranteed us that radiation will cost Jonah IQ points.

Jonah finally finished treatment May 2016.  He spent 275 consecutive days in the hospital, endured 6 surgeries, received close to 100 blood & platelet transfusions and faced many other hardships.  The blessing is, the spirit of the boy we knew returned once he was done with treatment.  He’s again silly, loving, kind, inquisitive and warm.  He is also different – he is more timid, less confident, more scared.  Cancer has changed him on the inside as well as the outside.

This past year out of treatment has been an amazing time for our family.  Sure, it’s been weighed down by 6 hours a week of OT, PT & ST for Jonah.  Sure there have been some academic struggles in school we’re having to work through.  Sure Jonah’s had 2 additional surgeries to address lingering complications of resection.  Sure Jonah wears hearing aides and walks with a walker.  All of those things are true, but our lives have been infused with gratitude for the gift of together.  Our family is again all under one roof doing normal life, traveling and making memories, filled with thankfulness.

This grateful, hope-infused gift of life was how I had originally planned to end our story.  Unfortunately, that wouldn’t be the whole story.  At Jonah’s last surveillance MRI in April, there was a new spot on spine that the medical team cannot explain.  It is not certain that this spot is recurrence or not, but suspicion is high.  If this spot is recurrent disease, there is no cure.  The median life expectancy for children, like Jonah, with metastatic medulloblastoma with recurrence is 1 year.

This is why research matters.  Research matters not only to Jonah, but to his siblings who love him so, who have walked this impossible journey and may still face the loss of their brother.  It matters to his preschool friends from before and from now, who love his bright spirit and are being formed by their relationships with him.  It matters to the 13 children diagnosed with brain cancer today, and the 13 children that will be diagnosed tomorrow.

The reason events like this [fundraising gala] matter is because only 4% of the US federal funding is dedicated to all pediatric cancer research combined, which is less stand alone cancers like prostate and breast cancer .  Most pediatric cancer research is funded through private organizations, and events like this help fund those organizations.

I know that there are many heart wrenching causes that you can help support and the mere fact that you are here means you likely are aware of the devastation pediatric cancer can cause.  I ask you to help not only in funding research through your donations, but also in raising awareness so that others beyond this room can be moved to help support research.  Pediatric cancer is something you can’t wait to care about until it impacts you, because then it’s too late.  The research of today will help the children of tomorrow much more than it will help the children living with cancer today.

Jonah will be having a follow up MRI on Tuesday, to hopefully give us more insight into what this spot it.  It is our deepest desire that the spot has miraculously resolved and we will be able to proclaim the power of prayer.  We also have to be prepared that the results will mark the beginning of our good-bye.  Either way, our family is going to choose to live.  We are going to lean in, love, celebrate, find joy and be together.  I encourage you to do the same.”

The Goodall Family: Anna, Julia, Stephanie, Noah, Jonah, and Simon (May 2017)

**Please join us today in praying for Jonah and the Goodall family.**

Moment by moment.

“Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.” Psalm 27:13-14 (NLT)

For more from Stephanie, please visit her blog: The Goodall Life

To Prove What We Already Know

Early in the dawn, we will make the well-worn journey again.

Try to sleep…

Don’t eat anything…

Try not to feel sick…it’s going to be okay…

Here’s the favorite blanket…

Four rounds of 10,000 Reasons...

Answer the needle fears over and over again… 

Answer the most heart-breaking question of all, because it somehow always overflows on a hospital day: what if I get the cancer again?

Chase uses his “name stamp” (used for signing books) to stamp Dr. Lulla’s hand

How do you explain that hours-long, intense testing has nothing to do with cancer? …yet has everything to do with cancer? It all feels the same when you’re a little kid. The same rituals, pains and fears; never mind that there may or may not be atypical cells attacking. It all feels cancerous and scary when you’re seven.

But tomorrow morning isn’t about what’s happening. It’s about what’s not happening. Chase’s body doesn’t want to grow on it’s own anymore, so for the first time in a long time, he’ll be admitted to the day hospital and they’ll attach needles to inject medicine and more needles to take blood. And then they’ll do both over and over by the hour until they have enough to prove that cancer damages. Because the sad truth is that there’s no funding if it can’t be proved on paper, submitted, filed, bottom-lined, than our reality is just that: ours alone.*

Talking to new friends about hope

There is no self-pity in that truth, I promise. There’s shock and sadness; a deep desire to be known, but not pity. Not now, not today. Because I believe above all things that this tomorrow and all the days have a purpose we do not yet know and cannot yet appreciate fully. This test day tomorrow is just more gazing into the mirror and beholding an unclear, somewhat painful reflection.

We will breathe through the pain of damage and the desire for wholeness, but the heartache is so very real, and right now, Chase’s fear sits on the surface of, well, everything. He has struggled all week, including throwing off constraints where and when he can (like refusing to get on the school bus) — anything and everything to try and find control when he has so very little.

A dad and his boy

Will you pray for Chase tomorrow? We’d so appreciate it.

Seeking the light and momentary perspective...moment by moment.

“This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9, NLT

[All pictures are courtesy of Jan Terry and Lurie Children’s from a wonderful event earlier this week]

 

*All my love to the brave souls fighting their insurance companies for the treatments they need.

Yes And Amen

This coming Monday morning, we will stand outside the MRI machine and wait on our unconscious, brave boy once again.

There is no such thing as an unimportant scan for kids like Chase, but this one really is important and different from the others in a new way because, if, (yes, Lord, please…)… yes, if Chase’s results are stable, this month will hold his last round of appointments with his current neuro-oncology team. If he’s stable, he’ll be moved to a different clinic at Lurie with different doctors and staff, better and more equipped to deal in the living with cancer instead of the dying with cancer. Does one “move on” from cancer? Ha. But one can certainly get to another level in the game.

Having this bittersweet moment in sight feels like a tempting of fate. And the changes come and go with the days, weeks, and months, but the whisper is always there, stronger in the weeks preceding a scan – especially a big one: “It might come back. This might be it…” That moment I’ve tried a million times to imagine and prepare my heart around — even when I know I can’t. And the pre-MRI days hold a desperate struggle, but it’s hard to pinpoint the source of the black mood wrestling.

Is it fear?

Is it a renewed in-your-face realization that we are disgustingly powerless in this life?

Is it anger at staring down my own weaknesses and learned lessons over again?

The answer is probably yes, yes, and more yes.

But you know what else is, are, and ever will be yes? …yes and amen?

THE PROMISES OF GOD.

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
    Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
    I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:10

And yes, the worst may prove true on the scan, but there is someTHING…someONE who proves MORE TRUE.

Every word of God proves true.
    He is a shield to all who come to him for protection. Proverbs 30:5

Bring it on.

Moment by moment.

Chase with his favorite hospital security officer, John