Early in the dawn, we will make the well-worn journey again.
Try to sleep…
Don’t eat anything…
Try not to feel sick…it’s going to be okay…
Here’s the favorite blanket…
Four rounds of 10,000 Reasons...
Answer the needle fears over and over again…
Answer the most heart-breaking question of all, because it somehow always overflows on a hospital day: what if I get the cancer again?
How do you explain that hours-long, intense testing has nothing to do with cancer? …yet has everything to do with cancer? It all feels the same when you’re a little kid. The same rituals, pains and fears; never mind that there may or may not be atypical cells attacking. It all feels cancerous and scary when you’re seven.
But tomorrow morning isn’t about what’s happening. It’s about what’s not happening. Chase’s body doesn’t want to grow on it’s own anymore, so for the first time in a long time, he’ll be admitted to the day hospital and they’ll attach needles to inject medicine and more needles to take blood. And then they’ll do both over and over by the hour until they have enough to prove that cancer damages. Because the sad truth is that there’s no funding if it can’t be proved on paper, submitted, filed, bottom-lined, than our reality is just that: ours alone.*
There is no self-pity in that truth, I promise. There’s shock and sadness; a deep desire to be known, but not pity. Not now, not today. Because I believe above all things that this tomorrow and all the days have a purpose we do not yet know and cannot yet appreciate fully. This test day tomorrow is just more gazing into the mirror and beholding an unclear, somewhat painful reflection.
We will breathe through the pain of damage and the desire for wholeness, but the heartache is so very real, and right now, Chase’s fear sits on the surface of, well, everything. He has struggled all week, including throwing off constraints where and when he can (like refusing to get on the school bus) — anything and everything to try and find control when he has so very little.
Will you pray for Chase tomorrow? We’d so appreciate it.
Seeking the light and momentary perspective...moment by moment.
“This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9, NLT
[All pictures are courtesy of Jan Terry and Lurie Children’s from a wonderful event earlier this week]
*All my love to the brave souls fighting their insurance companies for the treatments they need.