Steady On

The wind was just enough to throw the large snow flakes into a mesmerizing swirl as they fell, fluffy and quick, through the winter storm sky. When they fall like that, the headlights don’t cut far enough and even my depth perception changes. I watch the light on the dashboard flash orange, warning me of something I was already feeling beneath me: my car’s traction is slipping…

That’s what it’s like to drive in the winter storms. 

Have you ever been there? …tried it? I bet you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Traction is a concept that changes minute to minute and seemingly, the only way to hold on to it is to keep a pace that is so slow a snail could keep up with you, a pace that is half boredom and half terror as soon as you feel it all sort of slide out from under you, as you feel control ceded to something much bigger.

And it hit me in that moment when I couldn’t see and the warning light flashed on: snow driving is a lot like life-living in the wintery, hard moments. 

The way ahead is often obscure and some days it feels like there’s little between boredom and terror. You doubt the light will be enough to cut through it. Oh, and the storm that started it all, you know how it goes… the storm only ever seems to show up on that one day that you have someplace to be, something else to do, too much going on to think about slipping, sliding and black ice moments, right?

But with life, as with the storm moments, the only way out is to push through it, not like a battering ram, but slow – so slow. I want to get to my destination. In the storm moments, the speed that should be possible on the road and the speed that I can go are two very different things and oh, it’s almost laughable how even on a silly suburban road in the middle of January, it’s the “should” that knocks at the very door of my identity. 

But no, the only thing I can do is go ever so slowly forward and pray that the tires with their grooves – the very grooves that were carved into them when they were made – grab the road and hold it fast just as they are supposed to do. 

Do you see it like I did in that road moment, dear ones?

All the ways we move forward, there were things carved into the heart of us when we were made – before we were made, truly. And it is this that hold us to the road, that pulls us back when we slip, keeps us slow and true when the way ahead feels obscured, that keeps us from losing patience and grace when it feels like the very sky is falling around us.

So don’t chafe in the storm when the going is slow and frustrating. There’s more to the storm that you can see. And perhaps you were designed to hold steady – for this very day.

Moment by moment. 

You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

Psalm 139:16

Being Still

“We have working hands.”  

I grew up believing that the busy person is the most productive person and being still should not come until all the work is done.  All of it.

How I love it … And how it kills me a little every day when I fall terribly far short of all that needs to be done.

One afternoon not long ago, I stood at the front window, looking out over the front yard. A small boy in his puffy blue winter coat and red Spider-Man hat methodically lifted chunks of snow and ice off the grass, stacking them neatly in a pile on the sidewalk.  

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My daily routine suggests that the kids should get off the school bus, unpack their back packs, do any necessary homework or house chores, and then we stop to take a breath.  My joy is in the “getting it done”.

Whether it’s personality, brain injury, or both, Chase can’t always handle the constant movement and input that comes with my style of productivity.  To him, it is a vicious bombardment. And in those times where his brain shuts down as my parental arrogance revs up, the two of us struggle over every single thing.  My home becomes a battleground littered most pointedly with aborted teachable moments. 

So, that afternoon, when he asked me if he could play outside after the bus pulled away, I could feel the struggle. I wanted him to come in and keep going. I wanted to be somewhere other than standing at the window watching to make sure he was safe and well. I didn’t want to be still. But I said yes.

This is one way Chase helps me.

Because of who he is and how he best functions, I am forced to weigh down the moments and consider each interaction so very carefully — even more than I do with my other children. (though in all fairness, I should do it with them as well)

Do I ask Chase to do something because it is right, or do I ask him to do something because it is right for me?

Productivity is wonderful, thoughtful dialogue and parent-child boundaries are so necessary, and there will always be moments when we’ll need to do battle, but that winter afternoon was not one.  For my desire to say no stemmed not from his best interest, but from mine.

So I stood at the window with my tea, taking a deep breath and actually looking around me as I stepped out of the hurry for a time.  And then he looked up at me and grinned and I could see that what had felt like a compromise to me had actually been a great victory.  

Sometimes being still is the most active thing we can possibly do.

Moment by moment.

Of Blood and Hearts and Snowflakes

In the hours following Chase’s surgery, scans showed that there were some areas of fluid around his brains – pockets, if you will. I regularly flash back to those uncertain hours and the sick, tight feeling in my stomach as we waited and wondered if he would need to go back into surgery.
Those hours resolved in the same day with a second scan that showed no change and it was determined that the fluid could be watched and waited on as Chase moved forward in stable condition.
Chase -as we well know- continues in stable condition, but the January scans (when we received such good news) revealed that these pockets of fluid have changed: now, there is blood in them.
I won’t even begin to write on a technical level about things like “hematoma” that I don’t even completely understand, but I will reiterate this: Chase is stable. If there was an immediate or emergent quality to this issue, we would see marked changes in him.
Chase will, however, be having a repeat scan in a couple of weeks and will be meeting with his neurosurgeon to determine a plan of action. …a plan that I pray will in no way involve booking an operating room.
The wondering and the waiting. The watching anxiously and exchanging worried looks over his head any time he slurs a word or loses his balance. All of it tempts me to despair and curse the cancer…to throw up my hands and scream “This will never be done! This will never be better! There is no end to this awful disease!”
And yet…
In the middle of this past week, we learned that a little girl who shares our hospital lost her battle with cancer. Her name is Anna. She was 11. Somewhere, her family sits forever changed – doubtlessly reliving the awful moments when they were told that the chemo had done irreparable damage and the very hours were numbered.
I grieve for Anna’s family, yet I am truly thankful for her life’s reminder that I still hold a living and breathing child in my arms and that each second of life is a precious gift.
The day Anna died, I stood looking out the window over the bleak landscape and as I stood, snow began to fall. As I watched the flakes in the air, I was reminded that there is a sovereign God who crafted and knows each design of each flake that touches the earth and he knows Anna’s heart and Chase’s brain and all the whys and wherefores that I don’t and may never know or understand.
I want to tie this all together neatly… The blood pockets in a damaged brain, the chemo-ridden heart that stopped a too short life, the snow that fell and the insight with it. I don’t believe there is a neat or tidy way to wrap these hideous and beautiful things, but this …

“Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways! For who can know the Lord’s thoughts? Who knows enough to give him advice? And who has given him so much that he needs to pay it back? For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory. All glory to him forever! Amen.” Romans 11:33-36 (New Living Translation)

Moment by moment.

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