Choose To Live

I first had the honor of meeting Stephanie Goodall over the phone. I remember it well…she was sitting quietly in a hospital room on the 17th floor, I was at home washing the dishes. She was isolated from her other children and I was constantly getting mine to be quiet to I could talk on the phone. We had been connected by a director at St. Baldrick’s

Cancer mama sisters (L-R) Sarah, Ellie, Stephanie

when she realized that Stephanie’s son, Jonah and my Chase shared not only a hospital, but some of the same doctors as well. “You’ll like her, Ellie. She reminds me of you. She’s got four kids, faith, and writes a blog too.” Little did I know that I’d not only like Stephanie, but be encouraged by her and be even slightly in awe of her love for life and commitment to joy in the unthinkable. We were finally able to meet in person this past Saturday night at the Hearts For Hope Gala – what a joy it was to hug this dear sister in real life!

It was at this gala that Stephanie spoke: she opened up her heart and shared Jonah’s story – incredibly, beautifully formed. Jonah goes in for an MRI on Tuesday, May 23 around 1:00 CST and I’m thrilled to be sharing Stephanie’s text from the gala with you – not only so you can be encouraged, but so that you too can join in prayer for darling Jonah and the Goodall family. As you read these words, they’ll be on their way to the hospital.

“Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me… ”

Meet Stephanie and Jonah:

“When Christina originally asked me to share our story [at the gala], I was excited to share a story filled with hope, optimism, overcoming odds and lessons learned.  I was going to share a story that wrapped up nicely with a ribbon – that may have made you feel a little sad or uncomfortable at points but would have ended happy and hopeful.  Pediatric cancer isn’t like that though – and based on recent MRI results, our ribbon has frayed.  But before I get to the today in of our story let me go back to the beginning.

Our story probably begins in the Spring of 2014.  Jonah was a happy, healthy, energetic, bright 3 1/2 year old who was wildly popular in preschool.  He had both an older brother and sister as well as a baby sister.  That spring regular waves of nausea and vomiting started to interrupt Jonah’s exuberant play with growing frequency.  A visit to the GI doctor indicated everything was fine so Jonah was placed on a course of antacid and everything cleared up.  Jonah continued to live his life at full speed, with a bump in August 2014 when he was diagnosed with an anaphylactic allergy to flaxseed.

Super Bowl 49 is a game that will live in infamy in our family – not because the Patriots beat the Seahawks with the swirl of “Deflategate” in the background, but because Jonah had another flaxseed exposure that landed him in the ER.  After the Super Bowl event, Jonah’s nausea and vomiting returned and so we were back to GI.  This time the antacid didn’t help and in May 2015, Jonah was diagnosed with eosinophilic esophagitis (EOE), which is an allergenic condition of the esophagus that effect 1 out of every 2,000 people.  One of the best treatments for EOE is diet modification which we immediately implemented.  Unfortunately, Jonah seemed to be getting worse instead of better.  He was eating less and less, vomiting more and more.  Our bright, rambunctious, big living little boy was fading before our eyes.

By July, our pediatrician was growing concerned as well.  Jonah had become extremely lethargic and had lost almost ten pounds since the spring.  He then had a episode of double vision followed by an episode of “word salad” (using proper words in incoherent order) and we were sent to the local hospital for an urgent MRI.  What started out as a normal Wednesday, forever changed the lives of our whole family.  A tumor, the size of a plum, was discovered in the cerebellum of Jonah’s brain.  That evening we were transported to Lurie Children’s.

The following day, it was confirmed that Jonah had medulloblastoma, which had metastasized through his brain and spine.  Although medulloblastoma is the most common malignant pediatric brain cancer, only 400-500 cases are diagnosed a year. The days that followed were a blur – surgery to remove the tumor, a life threatening hematoma, 2 weeks intubated in the PICU, another hematoma, surgery to place a shunt and central line.  Jonah also suffered a sever case of posterior fossa syndrome as a result of the surgery, which only occurs 20-25% of the time.  Basically, Jonah’s body forgot how to listen to his brain – it was almost like he was in a coma, but he wasn’t – he couldn’t breathe for himself, eat, move, smile or talk.  As much as we longed to allow Jonah to recover from the posterior fossa syndrome, his cancer was too far spread and he didn’t have that luxury.

Pediatric cancer treatment decisions are a nightmare.  As a parent, you have to decide between terrible and horrible.  There isn’t a third, more pleasant option.  We choose terrible, and Jonah received 5 rounds of high dose chemotherapy often referred to as “the kitchen sink” on the oncology floor.  We then moved onto a 6th round of chemo that made the first 5 seem like child’s play, followed by a stem cell transplant.

In stereotypical fashion, we saw Jonah’s beautiful bright blonde hair fall out, we saw him continuously nauseous and throwing up so regularly that it stopped phasing any of us.  We saw mouth sores that required a morphine drip to dull the pain, skin rashes that caused him to peel from head to toe, sepsis from neutropenia and other random infections.  We saw him so miserable, it was hard to find the light in his eyes.

Because of the posterior fossa syndrome, when Jonah wasn’t at Lurie, he was at RIC (now the Shirley Ryan Ability Lab – a rehabilitation facility offering a variety of inpatient and outpatient therapy).  Jonah had to relearn how to eat, smile, laugh, talk, squeeze a finger, sit, stand and walk.  His hand dominance changed as his right side no longer possessed the strength it needed.  A boy who had learned to ride a 20” 2-wheel bike at 4 was relearning how to ride with adaptive tricycles.

Jonah’s treatment didn’t end there though.  He went on to have radiation as well.  Radiation isn’t great for a developing brain, so much so that doctors rarely recommend it for children under the age of 3.  In the window of 4-8, things are gray.  Radiation destroys developing brains and most brain development occurs before the age of 8.  Jonah was 5.  Radiation is however currently the most effective treatment for medulloblastoma and so we moved forward.  Although our team couldn’t tell us the specifics, they guaranteed us that radiation will cost Jonah IQ points.

Jonah finally finished treatment May 2016.  He spent 275 consecutive days in the hospital, endured 6 surgeries, received close to 100 blood & platelet transfusions and faced many other hardships.  The blessing is, the spirit of the boy we knew returned once he was done with treatment.  He’s again silly, loving, kind, inquisitive and warm.  He is also different – he is more timid, less confident, more scared.  Cancer has changed him on the inside as well as the outside.

This past year out of treatment has been an amazing time for our family.  Sure, it’s been weighed down by 6 hours a week of OT, PT & ST for Jonah.  Sure there have been some academic struggles in school we’re having to work through.  Sure Jonah’s had 2 additional surgeries to address lingering complications of resection.  Sure Jonah wears hearing aides and walks with a walker.  All of those things are true, but our lives have been infused with gratitude for the gift of together.  Our family is again all under one roof doing normal life, traveling and making memories, filled with thankfulness.

This grateful, hope-infused gift of life was how I had originally planned to end our story.  Unfortunately, that wouldn’t be the whole story.  At Jonah’s last surveillance MRI in April, there was a new spot on spine that the medical team cannot explain.  It is not certain that this spot is recurrence or not, but suspicion is high.  If this spot is recurrent disease, there is no cure.  The median life expectancy for children, like Jonah, with metastatic medulloblastoma with recurrence is 1 year.

This is why research matters.  Research matters not only to Jonah, but to his siblings who love him so, who have walked this impossible journey and may still face the loss of their brother.  It matters to his preschool friends from before and from now, who love his bright spirit and are being formed by their relationships with him.  It matters to the 13 children diagnosed with brain cancer today, and the 13 children that will be diagnosed tomorrow.

The reason events like this [fundraising gala] matter is because only 4% of the US federal funding is dedicated to all pediatric cancer research combined, which is less stand alone cancers like prostate and breast cancer .  Most pediatric cancer research is funded through private organizations, and events like this help fund those organizations.

I know that there are many heart wrenching causes that you can help support and the mere fact that you are here means you likely are aware of the devastation pediatric cancer can cause.  I ask you to help not only in funding research through your donations, but also in raising awareness so that others beyond this room can be moved to help support research.  Pediatric cancer is something you can’t wait to care about until it impacts you, because then it’s too late.  The research of today will help the children of tomorrow much more than it will help the children living with cancer today.

Jonah will be having a follow up MRI on Tuesday, to hopefully give us more insight into what this spot it.  It is our deepest desire that the spot has miraculously resolved and we will be able to proclaim the power of prayer.  We also have to be prepared that the results will mark the beginning of our good-bye.  Either way, our family is going to choose to live.  We are going to lean in, love, celebrate, find joy and be together.  I encourage you to do the same.”

The Goodall Family: Anna, Julia, Stephanie, Noah, Jonah, and Simon (May 2017)

**Please join us today in praying for Jonah and the Goodall family.**

Moment by moment.

“Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.” Psalm 27:13-14 (NLT)

For more from Stephanie, please visit her blog: The Goodall Life

Farther Along

Farther along we’ll know all about it
Farther along we’ll understand why
Cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We’ll understand this, all by and by… Josh Garrels

The word is in and the news is out: we’ve been given the gift of more time. It’s a heady feeling and a deep one too as the responsibility of shepherding such an incredible, atypical life is something we do not take lightly.

In the last two days, Chase has had a complete brain and spine MRI, an ECHO, a hearing test, a procedure to clean his ears and check for tubes, and a hearing re-test – in addition to meeting with his endocrinology and neuro-oncology teams. The days have been physically and emotionally packed and Chase did an AMAZING job – even undergoing an IV and the MRI sedation process with less medicine than usual; a decision that made him far more cognizant during needle pain and separation from us.

Chase’s hearing is going, but is stable for now (no more excuses about “not hearing you say to clean up, Mom“…) and the ventricles of his heart are strong (something we do not take for granted in a post-chemo body).

And now, the moment of truth: the MRI…

STABLE.

The monitored growths continue to expand, but all teams involved feel optimistic that they don’t show cancer characteristics. The biggest concern right now is that the largest growth is getting close to a ventricle and that scenario requires both careful monitoring and possible intervention. There are also a few cavernomas (a cluster of abnormal blood cells) that are making themselves known and grown on the last few scans and those too will bear watching. In other words, for good, bad, and broken, Chase’s brain is showing the scars of its battle wounds.

This farther along day brings some answers, some more oxygen with which to breath, and a few things on which to take action.

First, while Chase’s official scans will be moved to even further intervals (a year!), he still needs to have small scans of the ventricles every six months to monitor growths and cavernomas.

Now, it is the time to prayerfully, carefully pursue growth hormone with the endocrine team as Chase’s poor, little body can’t do this on its own. More on this in the coming months, I know.

And last, well, the last thing I have to tell you deserves it’s very own written space. Stay tuned…

Moment by moment.

Chase checks out his MRI films with Dr. Lulla and Dr. Hartsell

Wait

As you sit at your computer, sit by your phone to read these words, we are waiting.

I hate waiting.

And yet, waiting is life and life is waiting. We wait for things to begin and wait for things to end. We wait in and for everything from the right person to marry to the right line in the grocery store. We curse it when it inconveniences us and bless it when it brings good news, but the one thing we can’t do is escape it. There is no express lane for the verdict of doctors. There is no easy button for life trials and ‘thorns in the flesh’.

Today, while we wait for Chase and maybe we hold our breath and say one more prayer as he drifts off to sleep, the truth is that Chase is one of many. How many people sit someplace waiting for life-changing news, life-stabilizing news?

Are you waiting?

Are you called to partner with someone who is waiting?

Today and always, we stand with you in the wait. You are not alone.

These things might be painful, but there is and will be beauty in them. There will be hope in them because God is good. And to this, we cling.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchmen for the morning. Psalm 130:5-6

Moment by moment.

Yes And Amen

This coming Monday morning, we will stand outside the MRI machine and wait on our unconscious, brave boy once again.

There is no such thing as an unimportant scan for kids like Chase, but this one really is important and different from the others in a new way because, if, (yes, Lord, please…)… yes, if Chase’s results are stable, this month will hold his last round of appointments with his current neuro-oncology team. If he’s stable, he’ll be moved to a different clinic at Lurie with different doctors and staff, better and more equipped to deal in the living with cancer instead of the dying with cancer. Does one “move on” from cancer? Ha. But one can certainly get to another level in the game.

Having this bittersweet moment in sight feels like a tempting of fate. And the changes come and go with the days, weeks, and months, but the whisper is always there, stronger in the weeks preceding a scan – especially a big one: “It might come back. This might be it…” That moment I’ve tried a million times to imagine and prepare my heart around — even when I know I can’t. And the pre-MRI days hold a desperate struggle, but it’s hard to pinpoint the source of the black mood wrestling.

Is it fear?

Is it a renewed in-your-face realization that we are disgustingly powerless in this life?

Is it anger at staring down my own weaknesses and learned lessons over again?

The answer is probably yes, yes, and more yes.

But you know what else is, are, and ever will be yes? …yes and amen?

THE PROMISES OF GOD.

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
    Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
    I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:10

And yes, the worst may prove true on the scan, but there is someTHING…someONE who proves MORE TRUE.

Every word of God proves true.
    He is a shield to all who come to him for protection. Proverbs 30:5

Bring it on.

Moment by moment.

Chase with his favorite hospital security officer, John

What If I Go To Sleep And Don’t Wake Up?

Chase settled a little further into his pillow as I tucked the sheets up under his chin, just the way he liked it. He had been laughing a second earlier and it suddenly changed to a whimper. “I’m scared . . .”

I tousled the fuzzy hair on his smooth head, “It’s going to be okay, sweet boy.”

He twisted slightly in the sheets as if trying to physically escape a thought. “But Mom, what if I go to sleep and I don’t wake up?”

I hugged him close and promised him that wouldn’t happen – not because I knew it to be true, but because I desperately prayed it so. How the old soul questions from a young body twist at my heart and mind.

It takes four people to hold and distract Chase while the needle is placed in his arm.
It takes four people to hold and distract Chase while the needle is placed in his arm.

Twelve too short hours later, after fourteen hours of fasting and four attempts to place an IV in his under-hydrated veins, he fought the medication as it sought to take hold, pulling his head off the hospital bed to draw breath against the impending sleep even to the point that he nearly choked. His eyes closed and he fought them open once again. His voice was a hushed whisper as if even opening his lips to form words took too much energy. “Mom, I’m going to miss you. Will you come back to me?” The fear in his eyes was still visible in the blank glaze of the pre-anesthesia prescriptions.  And then his chest heaved in a gigantic sigh, and he surrendered.  And I stood in the bay next to Bob, watching nurses and doctors prepare to load his small body into the colossal machine until the automated entrance door closed, separating all of us once again.

We don't like needles . . .
We don’t like needles . . .

Yet another MRI . . .

Today marked Chase’s first MRI in four months and the first one since his diagnosis that I haven’t posted about before it occurred. It was traumatic as it always is and for a moment after the holidays and the busyness and burnout, I lost the ability and desire to put it into words. At some point, it feels like we run out of new ways to say “this is hard” and “please pray”. Every time he passes out and we’re left standing in a room, every last time we say goodbye, it tears at my heart and the weeping soul cry of it all is that we weren’t meant for these kind of things.

It’s hard now, and it’ll probably be equally difficult when we do it all again in three or four months or possibly sooner with an impending eye surgery. And wow, is my weakness and lack of faith on the surface in these moments when I stand separated from Chase and consider doing it all again. We never, ever outgrow the need for moment by moment grace, no matter the circumstance.

Sleeping off the medicines post-scan. He's awake, but was too tired to respond to anything - even a picture.
Sleeping off the medicines post-scan. He’s awake, but was too tired to respond to anything – even a picture.

Oh, but I’m so thankful to be able to bring you the hard and the good all in one, for within a few hours of the nearly two hour scan and recovery, we met with Chase’s neurosurgeon and learned that preliminary results showed negligible growth in the tumor site. Of course, we wait on the final consensus of the other teams and tumor board, but we are so blessed to share that at this point, Chase is stable

Moment by moment.

Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning. Psalm 30:5b

Post-procedure had Teddy Grahams - the best way to break a fast, of course :)
Post-procedure had Teddy Grahams – the best way to break a fast, of course 🙂