moment by moment – Page 5 – CHASE AWAY CANCER

Of Cells, Thermometers, and God-Purposes

“Okay, let’s just get your temperature and then you’ll be done.” The nurse turned from the blood pressure cuff attached to Aidan’s skinny arm and grabbed the thermometer, shoving it into a sanitary plastic sheath with a soft click.

“Open wide . . . under your tongue . . . now close.”

The room was still as Aidan sat tall, silent, and brave (despite his strep throat) on the end of the exam table.

With an unusual calm, Chase pulled himself out of the chair against the wall where he’d been sitting next to me, and he went to stand closer to the table – in his older brother’s field of vision.

“I’m here, Aidy,” his pet name for his near twin from the earliest days of learning speech. “I’m here if you need me. It isn’t scary, but if you get afraid, I’ll be right here.” Nearly the identical words a three-year-old Aidan had spoken countless times over a two-year-old Chase during myriad blood draws and hard hospital days. “I’m here.” I choose to put myself next to you and try to understand.

Cancer starts as these tiny microscopic cells that go terribly wrong and it wrecks so much life. It makes me angry to consider its senselessness. But in this moment of family practice and strep throat and a check for vital signs, there was yet another glimpse of beauty in the devastation they’d caused. The boys have been bent by it – we’ve all been bent by it – but in those times when it really counts, especially when it comes down to a doctor’s office, they bend toward each other. They reach with comfort and love for one another. And care for each other has come from the long years of fear and pain.

I believe there will always be something good that comes of it all and that the God-purposes far exceed the effect of microscopic cells. . . moment by moment.

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good.” Genesis 50:20a

The Past, The Present, And A Virus

Chase is not known for sleeping. Since the time the tumor first started growing when he was two, he often struggles to fall asleep at night and wakes long before the sun. From the moment his feet hit the floor, he’s going, doing, and often messing around.

When he got off the bus on Tuesday afternoon, he didn’t ask to play outside, but came in quietly, telling me he loved me and missed me. Don’t get me wrong – a docile, loving Chase is wonderful, but it’s also unusual. Most often, he walks to the door fighting to stay outside with a verbal list of all the things he wants and needs to do as he hits the front stairs. That night, as we sat down for family reading time, he laid his head on my lap and fell asleep . . .and then he slept ’til 6:30 in the morning. When he woke, he did not speak much, but went back to his room almost immediately, laying curled in a blanket on the end of the bed. Within minutes, he was asleep again.

My philosophy in a household of small children (read: boys) is “Fear The Silence” because it usually brings no good, and for Chase, this holds ten times as true. He is never still unless something is wrong. This child who sat at the breakfast table next to siblings without eating or talking – for twenty whole minutes – he looked like my child (only more pale), but I couldn’t find the pulse of his personality and that was terrifying.

Is there an increase in pressure within his skull?

Is something growing?

Is his speech changed?

Is he unsteady on his feet?

Does he seem cognizant of his surroundings and memories?

Could his hemoglobin have dropped?

Is he having any muscle tremors or signs of seizures?

Does his head hurt?

These are just a few of the well-worn panic paths my brain circles as I move into the routine of checking his forehead, looking down his throat, and asking where it hurts.

It’s quite likely that Chase was just under a hint of a virus. That’s another part of who he is. The other kids get crabby or possibly lose their appetite when they get sick, but Chase . . . Chase gets “neuro”. His speech and sleep patterns change and he often grows even less tolerant than normal – all over something as simple as a runny nose.

And me? I worry. That is my damage. I may stand still and breathe deep, but in my mind, I’m all-out sprinting across nightmare trails. The years old sentence: “There’s a large mass” opened the gates wide to every conceivable worry – and often with good reason. So once again, I ripped into the past to justify my present and by 9:00 in the morning, I was mentally on the ground, gasping for a saving thought or grace.

“Be anxious for nothing” – Yes, it’s in the Bible and sometimes I don’t know why because sometimes it feels unmercifully impossible. But like every other word in there, it has purpose and it cheers me greatly to think that God put it in there because He knew we’d struggle. And how I struggle.

This morning, Chase beat the sun by a good half hour and was back to his doing, going, and messing self, boarding the bus with a smile. It was most likely just a little virus.

And for me, there’s the quiet, hard knowledge that there is no end in sight. At this point, the only best cure for cancer and worry is heaven. I’ll probably go back to his diagnosis every single time something is even slightly off and I’ll worry myself up until I’m panicking on the ground again and hate myself for it.

And then I’ll need to hand it over once again, give it up to God who knows and loves, and wait in the grace of the . . .Moment by moment.

“Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life.” Psalm 23:6a

I Un-Courage You To Stay Out Of The Bathroom

There are less than a dozen hours left in the year and this gathering of words are our battle scars and these words are our laugh lines and I find myself soaking them in because it all gets more serious the taller they get. And on the every day level, life is hard and sometimes thankless and finding the laughter in it is like uncovering buried treasure. There are 99 in all and I had no idea until I lined them all up how many of them had their origin in a bathroom – my sincere apologies and I’ll completely understand if you don’t want to come to my house anymore. Many of the scenarios include personal hashtags: from the most common – #lifewithboys, to the most funny [playing off of our secret parenting fear that our children won’t get college scholarships] – #notscholarshipmaterial, to a mini-series done this fall when I “live-posted” the cleaning up of the basement – #worldwarbasement

We’ve asked you to walk many hard things with us, so, for a brief moment, as we close 2015, enjoy our “normal“…

The winner of the first 2015 quote goes to Aidan Russell Grey, found shoeless on the 7 degree Lake Geneva golf course: “But Grammie, sand is for bare feet!” #NotScholarshipMaterial

2. “Mom! Come quick! It’s an emergency!! I’m using ‘The Force’ on Karsten and Chase!!” …time to redefine “emergency”.

3. Newspaper reporter: “And where do you go to school?”
Aidan: “Um, I go to school at Washington… Washington, D.C.” #PublicRelationsGenius

4. T-minus 10 minutes before this morning’s doctor appointments: “Hey Mom! We don’t have our coats on yet. We’re having an underwear party! We took all of our underwear out of the drawers and are throwing them in the air and that’s the party!!” Yep, that sounds about right. #LifeWithBoys

5. “Mom, I’m bringing Karsten downstairs to you because he got his lip stuck in the wheel of his police truck and we can’t get it out.” #NotScholarshipMaterial

6. Life lessons with the Ewoldts: “If Darth Vader had a sister, I’m sure he would have been nice to her and not used the force on her…not even because her bedroom is pink.”

7. That moment you ask him to try making his bed by himself… #LifeWithBoys

8. When the 3 year old responds to “But did you move the dresser?” with: “Well…maybe I did not, but you can’t come into my room right now, Mom.” #LifeWithBoys

9. That moment in a media interview where the children start informing the reporter on family history: “Well, Aidan is my brother…but sometimes he gets angry…and Darcy should stop talking forever…and it’s okay if I put my dirty socks on the piano…because sometimes Daddy puts his dirty socks there too.” #MassiveFacePalm

10. Sometimes life with small boys means being asked to read a short eulogy over the spider on the wall before being encouraged to “…skooosh it’s guts out, Mom!” So complicated. #LifeWithBoys

11. “Look, Mom! We are both playing telephone!!” #NotScholarshipMaterial

12. At the breakfast table: “Hey Mom, can we eat some crackers while we are waiting for snack time?” #LifeWithBoys #BottomlessPits

13. “But can we PLEASE jump on all the furnitures?! I promise we will do it very s-l-o-w-l-y!!” #BoyLogic

14. I’d love to see the parenting book that gives an explanation for what I was just told: “Well, I taked off my shirt and then I went into the fridge and took out an orange and I put it in my armpit, and it made me really cold!”

15. “Mom, I’ve decided that when I grow up, I will have lots of children and they’ll all be boys. …and their names will all have to be ‘Aidan’. Otherwise, I won’t be able to read or spell their names.” -Aidan #KnowYourLimits

16. “Hey Mom, I really want to name one of the class chickens. I don’t know if Mrs. Coover will let me, but if she does, I’m thinking about either Ketchup or Captain America.”

17. The parenting conundrum is this: If you actually say “Hey, bathroom towel racks only look like gym equipment. They are, in fact, NOT”, then you might give them ideas. However, if you don’t ever say it, you’re liable to encounter a small boy doing chin ups as the towel bar crashes to the ground because “Well, you never told me not to.”

18. Little Girl: Okay, now, I’ll be the Mommy and do the cooking…”
Little Ewoldt Boy: “Okay. I’ll be the Daddy. Smell my victory, you Trojan dogs!!”
That went well.

19. “No, I’m sorry, Karsten. Dogs aren’t oviparous animals.” …and with that, my 6 year old is smarter than me.

20. “But, why can’t I wash my hands in the toilet, Mom??” – Excuse me while my inner germaphobe falls down and dies. #LifeWithBoys

21. “I’m a Princess Cinderella Storm Trooper Clone and this is my helmet.” Yep, that sounds about right.

22. “I think I was born for turkey. Sometimes I wish I was a turkey so I could eat myself…well, maybe not that, because it would be awkward, but I at least wish it was Thanksgiving all the time so I could eat turkey forever…but I still wouldn’t eat myself.” -Aidan Ewoldt, “Ode To A Turkey Sandwich” #NotScholarshipMaterial

23. Lunch guessing games… Chase: “I’m a superhero, and I wear a super suit, and I throw things, and I say ‘Ha! My name is Batman!’ …Who am I?”, Karsten: “DARK BADER!!!!”, Aidan: “Superman!!” All. The. Hashtags.

24. “Well, son, I’m so sorry your head hurts, but that’s what happens when you make the decision to pull a hat over your eyes and navigate the house at a run.” #NotScholarshipMaterial #GeneticsFTW

25. 3 year old voice from the bathroom: “Mom! I flushed the toilet! …and I have my butt on!”
Words fail me…

26. “Yes, that’s a very good point, but I stand by my original statement: you may not tape things to yourself or your brothers.”

27. Turns out, yoga becomes far less relaxing when you turn from “downward dog” to the sight of one boy’s bare butt hanging out the kitchen window as he makes a wild grab for the underwear his older brother is throwing off the side of the porch. #LifeWithBoys

28. That moment when structured morning “coloring time” turns in to an all-out drama that leaves me explaining to crushed littles why their father is probably not going to cut a hole in the bedroom wall for the secret boy club. #MaternalBuzzKill #SaveTheHouse

29. Parental Log: 6:58AM — Echoing voice sounds coming from the bathroom – the kind of sounds that could only be made if a child stuck his head into the toilet bowl to make them. Under parental interrogation and great duress, he admitted to opening the lid, sticking his head in, and singing a song at the top of his lungs as… “an accident”. #NotEnoughCoffeeInTheWorld #NotEnoughBleachInTheWorld

30. “I’m tackling her because she said I need to go to England and learn manners because I don’t have any.” #SisterProbs #LifeWithBoys

31. “Is Toews called ‘The Captain’ because he’s the captain of the team? Why is it called a penalty box? Is it a power play because they use special powers? Which color are the Blackhawks wearing? Why did the goalie fall down when the puck came at him? Why is Daddy yelling at the TV? Is it nice to laugh and cheer when the bad guys have the puck? Why can’t they high-stick each other? What happens if they drop their sticks? When can they start fighting? …that’d be cool.” -Hockey with Aidan

32. “Mom, we are doing something super awesome with the Slip ‘n’ Slide!! …and don’t worry…you won’t have to take anyone to the emergency room!!”

33. That moment the young artist decided his older sister’s blue nail polish would be less awesome in the bottle and exceedingly more awesome in a self-expressive, artistic mural all over the side of my antique waterfall dresser. I’m sensing tragedy in said artist’s near future. #PicasSOMuchTrouble

34. “Mom, wook! I gwood it so it would stick to my face! It’s gwood to my face!!” #TimeToWockUpTheGwooStick

35. When the answer to “Why did you punch your brother in the face?” is “But he said ‘blah-blah’ to me!“, you know it’s going to be a *great* day. #SuckerPunchWednesday #LifeWithBoys

36. “UN-courage”: The term used by Aidan to describe his practice of distracting Chase and Karsten from cleaning up. As in, “Mom, I un-couraged them to NOT clean up.” #CaptainDoubleNegative #LifeWithBoys

37. That moment the contrite sibling confession comes after driving nearly a quarter of a mile: “Well, Mom, I DID take Karsten’s favorite little dog even though I said I didn’t…and then I put him on the roof of the car.” #BandOfBrothers #LifeWithBoys

38. “But I didn’t bite him on purpose! He stuck his foot in my face and it accidentally went in my mouth and my teeth closed…but only a little!!” #LifeWithBoys

39. “Mom, I forgive you…because I ate all the marshmallows.”

40. “Mom, I’m helping you today! … Can I have a hundred dollars?” #CharmingChase

41. “But Mom, I didn’t really punch him…it was a fake punch!” Excuse me for second while I go reset my Keurig to “stun”.

42. What Karsten does to makes something disappear: “Abwa-ca-dabwaaaa!!” [sticks it behind his back]
What Karsten does when asked to make something reappear: [pulls it from behind his back, holds it out, looks at you like you’re crazy] “Yeah, it’s wight hewe, why?” #NotScholarshipMaterial

43. “Can I have rocket boosters? I’m never going to clean my room again! What day is tomorrow? Is it my first day of school? I don’t like you because you won’t let me eat candy and Daddy ALWAYS says it’s okay! Can you make something NOT yucky for dinner? Can I have a laser to freeze things?” #LifeWithChase

44. I can hear Karsten standing in front of the bathroom mirror talking to his reflection…“You’re so handsome! … No, YOU’RE so handsome! …NO, you’re SO handsome! …” [and so on] Can I blame this on the Ewoldt genes?

45. “Look Mom! I made a giant tower of [LEGO] heads!!” To save for college, or bail…that is the question. #NotCreepyAtAll

46. Four hours and five minutes… The length of time on the first day of school until the first call from the nurse’s office. #LifeWithBoys

47. That in-the-middle-of-church moment you realize your youngest son has his pants on backwards and your first thought is; “At least he’s wearing pants”. #LifeWithBoys

48. It’s not so much the saying: “Karsten Robert Charles, take the carrot out of your nose!” that gets me… It’s the knowledge that it isn’t the first time I’ve said it and it almost definitely won’t be the last.

49. Chase was afraid I’d miss him too much while he was in school… So, he snuck a yellow crayon into the dryer. #LifeWithBoys

50. “Well, Mom, I didn’t make good choices today in school – like Jabba the Hut when he chooses not to listen to Luke Skywalker and then he gets really dead. He should have made better choices and…well, me too.” -Chase #StarWarsLifeLessons

51. “Well, Mom, if you EVER make me wait for ANYTHING, that probably means you don’t love me.” -Karsten #YoungestChildProbs #GuiltTrippin’

52. The parental disciplinary quandary… Technically speaking, I never specifically told him: “Hey Karsten, while I’m outside putting your brother on the bus for four minutes, you’re not to push a chair to the sink, fill Aidan’s nerf gun with water, and give the family room and your sister’s bedroom a super-soaker shower.”

53. “Can we PLEASE slide down the stairs in boxes if we PROMISE you won’t have to take us to the hospital??” ‪#LifeWithBoys

54. If you’re going to steal dry erase markers to write all over the basement wall and then deny it; it’s probably best not to WRITE YOUR NAME. #SmoothCriminal

55. Well, hello there, Monday morning…
Me: “Aidan, why are you wearing three pairs of underwear?”
Aidan: “Because every day when I get off the bus and go downstairs, Kookie tries to take my pants down…but now, he won’t be able to because I’ve tricked him with my extra underwears!”
Me: “Karsten Robert Charles…!”
Karsten: “It’s because I just miss he when he’s at school!”
‪#NotScholarshipMaterial #BrotherlyLove

56. “Mom, does Dad have a chainsaw?” [pause for an affirmative answer] “Hey, Mom…are little kids allowed to use chainsaws? Me and Chase are building a trap for Darcy and we really, really need to cut a hole in the basement floor.” #LifeWithBoys

57. “I don’t care if it itches, get your spoon out of your pants!! …and don’t use it to eat your cereal anymore!!”
‪#LifeWithBoys

58. “I’m a doctor, Mom. You need a check-up. Um, where are the needles?”‪#MalpracticeMakesPerfect

59. “Mom, today I’m going to remember to wear my glasses to school so I don’t open a door into my head again.” ‪#Goals

60. “It’s not all about you, Mom. Today in school, I spelled my first name AND my last name. Now, that’s good.” ‪#ChaseWinsEverything

61. “What?! I can’t hear you right now. I’m on the phone.” There’s nothing like seeing your poor parenting techniques parroted back to you with a graham cracker. ‪#LifeWithBoys

62. They say that little kids don’t come with early warning systems, but when the four-year-old plops down in the middle of the hallway yelling “Stalling! Stalling! Stalling!” at the top of his lungs during clean-up time, it is, at the very least, informative. ‪#KarstenPSA #TheMoreYouKnow

63. And now it’s time for another round of “Coronary-Inducing Speculative Questions with Karsten”!
[comes in from the backyard with dirt on his face] “Mommy do we eat worms?”

64. “Mom, have the Chicago Bears EVER won a game since I was born?” – Aidan, 7

65. What’s that old saying . . .?
“Dirty sock in the lunch bag; sailor take warning.”
Ah, MONDAY.

66. “What have I told you about playing with your [gummy] vitamins? Take them off your forehead right now.” ‪

67. “But Mom, I didn’t push the buttons on the TV. They pushed themselves!”‪

68. “I totally cleaned up all the train tracks. Also, don’t come downstairs and check.” ‪#WorldWarBasement

69. “I was going to clean up, but now I can’t. I’m too angry because YOU’RE MAKING CHICKEN FOR DINNER AGAIN!!” ‪#WorldWarBasement

70. “I wanted to clean up, but I got my arm stuck in the stairs.”‪#WorldWarBasement

71. “But tackling people doesn’t make me tired! Just cleaning up does.”‪#WorldWarBasement

72. “I can’t clean up because Karsten took the tire pump off of Daddy’s desk and he’s blowing air on my head.” ‪#WorldWarBasement

73. “I can’t clean up because I have to count all the stairs in our house.”‪#WorldWarBasement

74. “But I forgot where all the toys go…” ‪#WorldWarBasement

75. “If I clean up and don’t punch anybody, will you make something different for dinner?” ‪#WorldWarBasement

76. “But I can’t clean up right now because Aidan said he might punch me if I didn’t clean up.” ‪#WorldWarBasement

77. “But I forgot where all the toys go…” ‪#WorldWarBasement

78. “But Darcy’s doll is downstairs and we can’t clean up when there are girl toys in the basement.” ‪#WorldWarBasement

79. “I can’t cleanup because Chase said ‘Ha’ to me and it hurted my feelings.”‪#WorldWarBasement

80. “But can I please just tell you a story first?” ‪#WorldWarBasement

81. “Can’t we please just use the vacuum to suck up all the toys?”‪#WorldWarBasement

82. [ridiculously exaggerated fake cough] “But I think I’m getting sick…”‪#WorldWarBasement

83. “I can’t clean the basement tonight because I need to focus on cleaning my room. You always tell me to clean my room…” ‪#WorldWarBasement

84. “Yes, you can come back inside now, but stomp off your boots first.” [sound of stomping all over the kitchen floor] “OUTSIDE! Stomp off your boots OUTSIDE!!” ‪#SnowfallSerenity

85. “Hey! Mom’s making banana bread with pumpkin in it! So it’s banana bread without the bananas!!” ‪#NotScholarshipMaterial

86. 20 minutes in: “We’ve been cleaning up for HOURS . . . Is it still Monday?“‪#WorldWarBasement

87. The lesson? Always ask “What game?” Because “We are just playing a game, Mom” is usually always finished with “It’s where you pull the hat over your eyes and run around as fast as you can without hitting things. Kind of.” ‪#LifeWithBoys

88. Misadventures of a Thanksgiving break:
“Stop licking the window!”
“Get a tissue! Putting your boogers on the bedroom wall is NEVER okay!”
“I don’t really want to know if your pee looks like a tornado!”
“Seriously, put some pants on!”
‪#LifeWithBoys

89. Baby Jesus, shepherds, wise men, and the *slightly* lesser known SpiderMan and Buzz Lightyear. ‪#DeckTheWHAT

90. Darcy (crying): “I’m going to miss you so much, Mom. I’ve loved being on vacation so much.”
Aidan (also crying): “But I want a banana so much! Why can’t you send me with a banana in my lunch?”
I provoke the same emotions as a piece of fresh produce. My job here is done.

91. Most Dreaded Sentence in Parenting: “Um, Mom… I know why the toilet isn’t flushing…” ‪

92. “Hey, Mom, [pointing to a decorative poem on the side of his piggy bank,] how many more letters are there until Christmas day?”‪#ICanCountToPurpleBackwards #NotScholarshipMaterial

93. Next year, Karsten isn’t doing the nativity.‪ #ThisIsNotTheBabyYoureLookingFor

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94. And now it’s time for “Sick Days with the Captains Obvious” —
Aidan: “Who am I? I’ll give you a hint, it’s a really, really bad guy!”
Chase: “The bad guy!!”
Aidan: “YES!!”

95. “Mom! Help! I’m so cold! Why is it so cold in here?” #JustAnotherDayWithChase

96. Christmas Day, 5:50AM – “But Mom, where is Santa Clause? Does he have his sleigh with him? Are you sure he left presents? Does he really know where our house is? Is Karsten still on the naughty list for flushing the helicopter down the toilet? Isn’t Bapa really Santa? Can I wake up now?” ‪#MerryCHASEmas

97. “Well Mom, I can’t clean up the basement because I just have a super important question: Who am I going to marry when I get grown up? I really need to know right now…” And now I’ve heard it all. ‪#MerryCHASEmas #WorldWarBasement

98. “Hey, Mom, if you hold your eyes like this so that they go to the sides, you can have staring contests with two different people at the same time!”‪ #NotScholarshipMaterial #LifeWithBoys

99. “But why do we have to wash dishes in the sink? Why do people never just put them in the toilet and flush? That’d be a lot quicker.” #LifeWithBoys

Goodnight and goodbye, dear old 2015 . . . Moment by moment.

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. Psalm 16:6

On Being An Ambassador

Summing up a whole year is often like visiting a medical office for me: a dreaded, but sometimes necessary exercise. I hate the action of listing it all out because it can be so trite to gloss over and wrap up, but as soon as I start, all the painful, awful, funny, perfect, and wondrous things that have passed start washing over me and I never regret the exercise. One of the most amazing aspects of this last year has been Chase’s role as a national ambassador for the St. Baldrick’s Foundation, and this morning, in the last of the 8,760 hours of ambassadorship, we sat down early to reminisce over some of the opportunities: shaving his brother’s head, going into schools to meet with children and talk about cancer and chemo, getting to connect with so many people on something that has shaped us on such a significant level – to name just a few.

Memory is hard for Chase and he slumped down in the chair as I asked him what his favorite part of the ambassador year has been. “Can’t I just say that I love Dr. Lulla? He’s my favorite. Can I just say that?”

Chase with Dr. Rishi Lulla, a St. Baldrick's researcher and Chase's attending neuro-oncologist at Ann and Robert H. Lurie Children's Hospital of Chicago. — Chase with Dr. Rishi Lulla, a St. Baldrick’s researcher and Chase’s attending neuro-oncologist at Ann and Robert H. Lurie Children’s Hospital of Chicago. Photo credit: Jan Terry

“What about the time you made Aidan bald?” I laughed.

He slumped further. “Please don’t laugh about being bald. It hurts me.”

Reaching over, I picked him up and hugging him close, I explained that my laughter stemmed from his and Aidan’s precious hearts for each other, not their lack of hair. Never the lack of hair.

And then he settled into it. “I did like shaving Aidy’s head. That was fun. And I really liked doing the Pin Guard tournament with Miss Jen at school with the firemen. And I think I liked whenever they gave me a microphone to talk to kids too. Those were my favorites.” He stopped and thought for one minute more, and than as is his habit, he interrupted his own musings. “Also, I think that . . . Hey, Mom! I have a great idea! I want to make cards for kids who have cancer and chemo like me! The next time we go to my hospital, can I take cards to my friends like my Mia and my Lucas?”

And with that, the time for memories were over. But isn’t this the point of sharing our stories? Of being an ambassador? Reflection that leads to action. For Chase, in this moment, it was wanting to encourage other kids. And over this past year, as more and more have looked to encourage and action has been taken – from grade schoolers growing out their hair all the way to a US Congressman signing the STAR Act – thousands upon thousands of dollars have gone to change the outcomes. This is amazing!

Talking about St. Baldrick's at Madison Elementary — Talking about St. Baldrick’s at Madison Elementary

As 2015 comes to a close, we acknowledge the hard things that have brought us to this point, revel in the joy that keeps us going, are deeply thankful for all the ones around us, and look expectantly to 2016 for all that it will hold.

A huge thank you to the St. Baldrick’s Foundation for letting us help carry your message this year.

Of Dirty Dishes…

One late night this week, it occurred to me that my kitchen might need a little attention…

Actually, I got the idea after my kitchen practically jumped out and attacked me.

Oh my word, I’m cringing even looking at it… And I’m cringing even more, because, I took this second picture significantly into the cleaning process and considered posting it instead. I secretly wanted this to be the messy kitchen you saw that might possibly promote me to an organized-neat-freak-whose-house-is-so-clean-at-all-times-that-the-tiniest-mess-is-a-disaster in your mind. I actually considered downplaying the mess to somehow make me look better.

If I’m honest with myself and with you, my house is messy far more than I’d like and I have proof of this pattern, because the other day, when I cleaned just for the sake of general responsibility and health, Darcy walked in and gasped: “Yay! Is Grammie coming today?” [cue the psychological damage, please…]

When we first got married, a very wise woman gave me advice on carving out time and making priorities and our many conversations would go like this: I’d ask “But what about this good thing? …or this good? …or that better?” And she’d quietly smile and knowingly state:

“You’re saying ‘no‘ to one thing to say ‘yes‘ to another – your ‘no‘ to that social commitment is a ‘yes‘ to the commitment of your relationship and making time for it – the best thing.”

I love this idea and I think it bends out into my home life and family life too.

When one of my children needs extra counsel and love, when there’s a writing deadline, when a 4th grade landform, a 1st grade corn celebration party (for real, it’s a thing), and a kindergartener’s reading homework all coincide – and they all need to be addressed at the same time, something has to go so I can keep breathing, and that something (for me) is usually the dishes.

One of my favorite phrases is: “There are only so many hills you can die on and this shouldn’t be one…” (Seriously, I’ve long considered a needlepoint or canvas…) And so, after what feels like a defeated week, I’m posting a picture of my dirty dishes. And I hope they encourage you! (weird, right?)

Because sometimes, whether in casual conversations or on social media (particularly the latter), it’s easy for me to feel shame when I see the best and most polished in others’ lives and then I feel terrible for not being able to “do it all”.

For me, saying ‘yes‘ to my children, to my husband, even to something like writing, often means letting something like the dishes go for just a minute. (or, you know, two days…[double cringe] )

I promise, it doesn’t look like this all the time, and I definitely don’t want to hold up my dirty dishes as an example because each person’s “saying ‘no’ to say ‘yes’ moment” will look different, but for me, this is real, so I’m coming clean over the dirty today – this week, I said ‘yes‘ to my family…and the dishes took a little longer to get clean. Because most of the time, my life doesn’t wrap up all neatly like a pretty package…

And I need to remember to take even the dishes…moment by moment.

“Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom.” Ps. 90:12 (NLT)

Tag: moment by moment

Of Cells, Thermometers, and God-Purposes

The Past, The Present, And A Virus

I Un-Courage You To Stay Out Of The Bathroom

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. Psalm 16:6

On Being An Ambassador

Of Dirty Dishes…

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