In this outside-the-box life, the brain tumor cut deep and far into the language center. Though Chase’s brain bravely held it’s ground and kept it’s words, sometimes, he experiences what appear to be gigantic non sequiturs. A word or phrase comes into his mind and he wants to…and even needs to say it over and over, but it’s not always apparent why.
In the days following the initial surgery trauma, it was most pronounced as he’d lean his two-year-old little body close to me and gleefully warble “Congratulations!” again and again – like a greeting and a benediction. Congratulations, indeed, my sweet boy…you survived major brain surgery.
But this new year, this new season, as he sits at the table munching turkey bacon -his always favorite- in his winter jacket, waiting for the bus to arrive; his brain comes up with the best yet…
“Mom,” he sighs; “You aren’t getting any younger.”
I sit back and laugh incredulously. “Chase! Do you even know what that means?”
The rest of the turkey bacon stuffed into a cheek, he chews contentedly and thinks aloud. “No. Not really. But I think it probably means that you’re getting younger. But also, not really.” And then he reaches over and pats my arm, repeating “Mom, you’re not getting any younger, but it’s okay. I love you.”
And there it is. Love helps us make the most of our time.
ENCOURAGEMENT: /noun/ the action of giving someone support, confidence, or hope.
Giving support to others not only requires mental and emotional energy, but also and often a shade of vulnerability. I have to open myself up to help someone else. And this aspect of living in community, well, it can get complicated when I’m heartsick and weary. How can I possibly care for someone else when I feel in shreds…when my family feels shredded and resourceless? I suppose I expect to care and serve others out of my own excess of peace or joy. So how do I give joy when I don’t feel it in my life…when there is seemingly no excess? And how on earth do I teach my kids joy in the atypical?
I worry for the other three all the time: how will Chase’s cancer diagnosis harm them? How has all of this defined them or broken them? …perhaps even in ways we can’t see or won’t know until they’re adults themselves? (2:00AM thoughts that push the ‘panic’ button)
Will they struggle with what to believe? …with who and how to love? …with their life purpose? And how many of these struggles will they be able to pinpoint the birth of in a sibling’s terminal illness, subsequent struggles, and the too-often mentally, emotionally, or physically absent parents who should have been at their sides.
I want to fix all of these things before I even confirm their brokenness. I want to pre-empt all the pain and cushion it. And I acknowledge in my heart and even as I see with my own eyes that it often isn’t the big moment kicking in the teeth of their precious hearts, but the little one. If L-O-V-E is truly T-I-M-E, then it really is a moment by moment fight for the good to win through all the pain and craziness.
And here’s what I’ve found: there is so much I can’t take away from them, but there are things I can give them – almost like tools to build or weapons to war. Because life may be atypical, but it can still be incredible – it may not always be “good”, but it can still be right.
“Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.” Galations 6:2 NLT
Share.
Obey.
We were created for this. Despite the vulnerability and pain, we survive as we share the ups and downs of life with each other.
What does this concept look like in a feet-on-the-ground, eyes-open-wide way ? And what does it especially look like when the burden is a life shadowed by complicated illness and the burden carriers are little children?
FaceTime in the hospital
Notice Others: A huge part of developing encouragers is fostering awareness of those around you. Go around the dinner table and have each person say something they like or appreciate about the person to their left. This makes us have to consciously consider the good in others, and as we see this, we often see their hard things to comfort too.
Seek To Relate: “Do to others as you would like them to do to you. (Luke 6:31 NLT) This goes one step deeper than just seeing the person next to you. Actually try and put yourself into someone else’s shoes. Try to feel what they feel. This can be complex and even offensive in painful moments, but painfully easy and wonderful in life’s joy moments. And perhaps, there will be a fantastic and interesting discussion as you tie what your kids know and feel to what someone else close to them might know and feel.
Be Authentic: There are few things that can’t be worked through by talking to each other honestly and openly. If we genuinely don’t know what to say, I believe it’s okay to express that inept or powerless feeling and talk it through. This is often the most vulnerable moment, but also the most rewarding for in opening my heart, I invite the other person to open their heart as well.
Celebrate Victories: Some victories will look like winning and others will be simply refusing to let the darkness, weariness, stress, or anger in. To feel the pull of pain, to deny it, and to choose joy or hope instead is a staggering victory and should be celebrated as such. (These moments aren’t always deep and nuanced. For some people in our family, this is as simple as forcing themselves out of bed the morning after a long day in the hospital.)
Just Stop: Sometimes I just have to stop and sit. Gather up my precious babies onto my lap, or under my arm, kiss their heads and tell them I love them. We cover ourselves with a blanket and just snuggle for a bit. Then, I breathe deep and say it aloud: “You guys, let’s just take a minute.” Because nothing tears at the heart and mind like constant, unabated stress and sometimes, miraculously, the petty fights and little hurts resolve themselves as we breathe deeply and remember love, not hate.
Just Go: Yes, sometimes we need to stop and breathe. However, other times, we need to get up and go. Hang the schedule and the clean house or the project that’s still not done… just go for a walk together, go to the park together. Or, even better, go check in on a neighbor, take popsicles to someone who just had surgery, take coffee to Daddy at work… These small things, especially the things that allow us to serve others are a constant, tangible reminder that we were not created to function in a void and that our personal pain, stress and hardships do not comprise the only story in the world. Breaking down the boundaries, meshing with others, reaching out – all of it – is like water on the tender growth of sensitivity.
Orchestra concert cheerleader
And dear ones, I hate writing list points because it feels like accomplishments checked off and won. The truth is: we are broken. We fail at these ALL the time, scratching each others’ eyes out with our words and our selfish hearts just as often as we hug and bind with joy. But I’m writing these things down all the same because I need to remember, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll find something encouraging here too. You are loved.
Moment by moment.
“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort.He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” 2 Corinthians 1:4
The vase crashed to the floor, shattering the fragile glass. Water and greens tumbling off the wooden table and onto the freshly cleaned carpet as the rolling, tussling boys reversed direction, their war cries drowning out any attempts to arrest their attention.
And the irony was this: as my blood pressure escalated with their fight, I wanted to laugh because I was supposed to be writing about godly contentment.
“Jesus… What am I doing?”
Hannah and Chase
How do I possibly write about something that seems to be disappearing even as I reach for it? No, not even reach…just consider it. The more I tried to put trust in God and the contentment He brings, the more I tried to put that down on a glowing computer screen, the more it seemed to allude me.
And then short days later, we were driving through the dark hills of Pennsylvania with the DVD player blaring Holiday Inn and the unpolished, unfinished words had yet to be fully written and that’s when the panic set in.
“Jesus… What am I doing?”
Karsten and Benjamin25-year-long friends
And then it was suddenly the morning of getting up and saying all the words – speaking them to people who needed to hear. How do you give help and answers when you’re the weak one?
“Jesus… What am I doing?”
And then the answer; quiet and true. I’m doing nothing. I open my mouth, but it’s up to Jesus to open ears and hearts. And isn’t that just like Jesus…like his written promises stuffed throughout the Bible?
Strength when you need it.
Strength only and best when you recognize your weakness.
Strength to your own heart when you try to help others – so much blessing in service.
It was in laying down the stress of finding the right words, laying down the pressure to be the right person, that God made it right – made it light.
God uses the broken.
Moment by moment.
It’s far easier to practice contentment if I don’t think about any of it, but that isn’t true peace. At times, it’s almost easier to accept that parts of our stories are random than that the painful chapters could actually hold great beauty and purpose. Don’t be afraid to lean into Him for the hope he’s promised. ~ a brief quote from my time with the ladies of Bethel Baptist Church in Wilmington, Delaware
For the full transcript of the December 3rd Christmas tea talk: “The Gift Of Godly Contentment” (wherein I share what it has looked like to wait for God in our silent and desolate times) – click here.
Somehow, 74 days have passed since I last wrote here…
There have been so many things I’d like to share with you, but I’ve let the words get swept into life business. Each weekend, I’d think “This next week, I’ll start again…” and each week would slip by while I thought of this site like a long lost friend I’ve been meaning to call.
Chase deals with moving things out of the living space…
Change of any kind is especially challenging for a child like Chase, but he weathered it nicely and wow, the look on his face when he saw the re-made room… WORTH IT.
We are so blessed!
Enjoy!
~MbM~
Our most humble thanks to Lou Manfredini of HouseSmarts TV, design ninja Nathan Fischer, and the Buikema’s Ace Hardware employees who put together this amazing gift.
When David C. Cook sent me a copy of the book a few weeks ago, I was delighted to read this book not only because Chase’s story is featured (for real!!), but also because we have met and come to love Matt and his heart for worship and I couldn’t wait to dive into that same joy on a page. So, I mentally prepared myself to feel blessed and inspired by the stories of this light, 164-page read.
What I wasn’t prepared for was the complete challenge and theological depth that pervaded every single page. I expected this to be a learning experience through others stories – and it is that. But it is also full of gentle soul-preaching: the act of spinning these stories out into a greater understanding of the heart of God found in the Word. Each story thread from Matt’s own life and the lives of others is tied back into the bond of who we are in Christ and who Christ is to us — making these pages anything but “light reading”, and oh, so rich!
You guys, for lack of a better metaphor in this moment (I can’t think of brilliant things when I’m super excited – which I am – about this book!), this work is like a protein shake for your soul. It will replenish you in ways you didn’t even know you were hungry.
Too often, when I hear words like what Matt and Jonas wrote into the “10,000 Reasons” song, there’s a part of me that wants to say: “Well, that’s all very well and good to want to be singing when the evening comes..but I wonder how you’d feel if your life were ever really difficult. What would you write then?”
Gauntlet = thrown. Christ = proved again and again.
For, as this book will show you both in the life of Matt and in others around him, God is found to be enough and singing is possible in the evening not because hardship has never been experienced but rather because they’re in the middle of it! The worship is often sweeter in the suffering because our heart cry is not just wished upon the “some day” of Revelations 21, but is proved again and again in the now. He is our God and He is with us always.
I would highly encourage you to grab a copy of this book and make it a priority even in these last of the summer days. You will be refreshed and encouraged to press on –
Moment by moment.
Our scars are signs of God’s grace in our lives – signs that we’ve been through something and that we have made it to the other side. They remind us that we are not where we once were and that God has brought about a victory in our lives. Our wounds may have been dark, but the promise of God’s love has been tested and proved in our lives. When we look back, yes we see pain, but more than anything we see provision and protection, and the ways God has made us ‘fruitful in the land of our suffering’. -Redman, page 128-129
[You guys, I need you to know that Matt’s publisher sent me a copy of the book as a gift because Chase appears in one of the chapters. There was no official expectation or request for a review. This is just me being me. 🙂 ]
