In the Fall of 2012, Chase wandered the halls of the oncology ward while I diligently followed, pushing his IV pole with loving care (and not a little trepidation). As we paced, we crossed paths with a father pushing his young son in a stroller (IV also in place) and as families often do, we stopped to talk.
The boy in the stroller was a little younger than Chase, but they stared at each other earnestly. And I do believe it was the first time Chase really saw another little boy who looked like him with the hairless head and the white skin and the tubes protruding from his body. A curious knitting together.
The dad and I exchanged stories cautiously for no one ever wants to pry into the pain, yet there’s almost always the desire to know you’re not alone in this decimation of the life you’d envisioned.
As we spoke, I came to know that their diagnosis was fresher…and I felt like an old pro. We’d been devastated since July. They’d only just started.
And the crazy thing was… statistically speaking in that Fall of 2012, Chase was supposed to die – his cancer defied his chemo, his body routinely on the verge of giving in. Chase was supposed to die…and Lucas, well, Lucas was supposed to live.
That day, I watched the shock and pain spring into the father’s face as the dawning realizing hit that we both had death sentences, but one of us seemed more likely to suffer that fate. And that look on his face in the Fall of 2012, the shock and horror and beyond was not unlike the look in his eyes when Bob and I hugged him close while we stood beside Lucas’ tiny coffin – not four years later. We’d barely celebrated remission. Nobody saw the huge lung growths coming.
There is simply no accounting. There are no good words for what it was like to see such a small coffin and the hands that pushed toys around the playroom next to my son – stilled forever in eternal sleep.
And his parents and brother still breath.
There are no words.
But I write this out today to honor Lucas and for the sake of his parents and brother too. Sometimes, there is absolutely nothing good to be said to those asked to walk this horror, but we can remember. We can sit with them in their pain – inasmuch as we can ever understand that which we’ll never understand.
So, take the story of Lucas (how I wish you could have met him and known a little of his amazing life), hug your loved ones close, and reach out to those around you who are grieving…who must still draw breath when a part of their heart stops.
“Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just round the corner.
All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again.” Henry Scott-Holland
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