This coming Monday morning, we will stand outside the MRI machine and wait on our unconscious, brave boy once again.
There is no such thing as an unimportant scan for kids like Chase, but this one really is important and different from the others in a new way because, if, (yes, Lord, please…)… yes, if Chase’s results are stable, this month will hold his last round of appointments with his current neuro-oncology team. If he’s stable, he’ll be moved to a different clinic at Lurie with different doctors and staff, better and more equipped to deal in the living with cancer instead of the dying with cancer. Does one “move on” from cancer? Ha. But one can certainly get to another level in the game.
Having this bittersweet moment in sight feels like a tempting of fate. And the changes come and go with the days, weeks, and months, but the whisper is always there, stronger in the weeks preceding a scan – especially a big one: “It might come back. This might be it…” That moment I’ve tried a million times to imagine and prepare my heart around — even when I know I can’t. And the pre-MRI days hold a desperate struggle, but it’s hard to pinpoint the source of the black mood wrestling.
Is it fear?
Is it a renewed in-your-face realization that we are disgustingly powerless in this life?
Is it anger at staring down my own weaknesses and learned lessons over again?
The answer is probably yes, yes, and more yes.
But you know what else is, are, and ever will be yes? …yes and amen?
THE PROMISES OF GOD.
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:10
And yes, the worst may prove true on the scan, but there is someTHING…someONE who proves MORE TRUE.
Every word of God proves true.
He is a shield to all who come to him for protection. Proverbs 30:5
Bring it on.
Moment by moment.
