Around here, we have what we call “The Day After Sunday” – a term that refers to the outcome of 48 hours off-schedule for children and hour 1 back on schedule for the parents. It’s a rare and ingenious blend of insanity that tends to manifest itself differently every week. Comprende? That’s right, I’m talking about the disease known as “Monday“. Know of it? Had it? Catch it every six days or so? Here are some of the symptoms as they manifest in the Ewoldt house:
- A sudden craving for “time out“.
- Onset of flailing limbs often coupled with a high-pitched wail. At times, this may be followed by an inability to stand and horizontal kicking which usually sends the prone individual in a circular motion on the floor. (a la Donald O’Connor in Singing In The Rain – without the backup orchestra)
- Selective hearing loss: the loss is often triggered by words such as “chore” or “school“. Have no fear! This symptom is rarely permanent. A full auditory recovery is usually brought about with the use of words such as “candy” or “movie“.
- Loss of control over bodily functions in previously bodily-function-trained individuals. (at this time, it may become necessary to administer a sedative to the primary care giver)
- Repeated use of the word “No“. Most often manifests as “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!”
- Insomnia for the individual and ALL those in hearing range of the 60-minute “truck noise recital” with an encore of “57 ways to call your mother“.
- Loss of appetite: especially for anything that might resemble a healthy meal choice.
- Sudden desire to eat things not considered edible (such as legos).
- Heightened inappropriate activity -such as hitting, punching, poking, kicking, licking and Kung fu- may occur. Such activity is usually directed at another individual, but in some cases may be directed at inanimate objects such as chairs, tables, shelves, the refrigerator, and the occasional motor vehicle. Note: this behavior is often a precursor to the aforementioned craving for “time out“.
To date, there is no known cure for “Monday“. However, this maternal care provider would highly recommend combining one trailer truck-size serving of your caffeinated beverage of choice with approximately 3 weekdays of detox. “Monday” is almost always cured by such things as “Friday“, “The Weekend” and “Daddy’s Home“.
With that, I’m back to the trenches … My “Monday” patients have light sabers and broad swords.
Signed,
The C.I.C [“Crazy In Charge“]
No, make that the C.C.I.C [“Caffeinated Crazy In Charge”]
**FYI, this is a “no image” post to protect the guilty, er, uh, the innocent**