This was my favorite moment of Chase being born and Chase’s favorite picture of his birth because it shows that I too have had an IV in my hand
As I sit here contemplating 12/12/12 and the third birthday I have, at some moments, thought I wouldn’t see, I am overcome and don’t feel like I can adequately summarize this moment in Chase’s life, so here is what I would (and probably will) say to him:
My Dearest Chase,
Today you are three years old and even if you aren’t cognizant of it, this is a big deal. Your Daddy and I have often wondered if you would live to see this day – and that was even before your “baseball“. Since your “baseball” and your “cancers“, there have been many more minutes that we have stood by your bed or talked with your doctors and wondered if we would get to celebrate this day with you. …and here you are! Not only with us, but finishing all your brave days in your “spaceship“. As we often whisper in your ear before you take your nap with the doctor: “Be strong and of good courage, for the Lord your God is with you.” (Joshua 1:9)
Son, Daddy and I are so proud of you. You’re our favorite, bravest Chasey Bear in the whole world!
Love,
Mommy
Happy 3rd Birthday, My Precious Chase!
Joy comes in the morning… (I have much more recent pictures, but this is my favorite – that first smile post-surgery is a perfect summary to this little one’s year)
[Chase’s dictionary of terms: “baseball” = the tumor site (with it’s baseball-like stitching), “spaceship” = the proton radiation room]
I don’t want to write tonight, but there is much to share.
Yesterday, we had a full schedule of appointments at the hospital – Chase was cleared post-op by his neurosurgeon and was cleared pre-chemo by the oncology team. Oh, and in the middle of all the scheduled visits we had a series of UNscheduled visits when his father and I (please, keep in mind that we are parents of four, and in this moment, we only had ONE to watch) ignored that one wiggle that sent him backwards off his cafeteria chair and onto the floor…on his baseball head. Oh my. He’s completely fine. Someday, Bob and I will recover too.
Coloring to pass the time in pre-op
After all our meetings yesterday, we got to go home for a few hours and then came back very early this morning for Chase’s second trip into the OR in 2 weeks – this time for a central line, spinal tap, and first spinal injection of chemo.
Daddy prepping to assist the medical staff until Chase stopped kicking them 🙂
As I write this, we are back in one of our lovely lake view rooms on the oncology floor. For this first chemo visit, he stays for several days, incredibly vigilant monitoring, and lots and lots of chemo drugs.
Our new life
Oh, the drugs! In some ways, this is harder to handle than his surgery. I hate the thought of what these life-saving drugs are going to do to him. Each infusion makes this more real…or at the very least, keep us from ever forgetting where we are and why. I find myself pondering again and again the strange and sober mercy that allows such suffering in the now for the benefit of long term. (always pondering it…never questioning it)
Today has really been a good day and Chase is doing incredibly well given the circumstances. So why didn’t I want to write? Because today is a struggle for me. Not a high-level freak out… Just a low level wishing things were other than what they are. I feel very weak in the “bigness” of this disease and it’s implications.
With Chase immediately post-op as he was coming out of the anesthesia
In this moment, I know that I need to be reminded of Truth.
“Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted;but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:28-31 (ESV)
Though I am weary, God is not. Though I am weak, God is not. Though I am very intimidated by my son’s chemo protocol, God is not. Though I have no idea what our future holds … GODKNOWS. In fact, He more than knows…He has perfectly crafted and designed these events in a symphony of praise and glory beyond our wildest and most beautiful imaginings.
Moment by moment perspective.
Moment by moment grace.
Sleeping peacefully at the end of a long day (Isaiah 26:13)
