CHASE AWAY CANCER

There are some moments that are as clear as if they were 60 seconds ago.

I always think better as I drive. Driving and thinking. Normally, it’s a peaceful time for me, but not this late summer day.

My thoughts raced. It had been several days since I’d told him and I still had no concrete answers.

I’m going to lose everything. Everything!

There is the inevitable loss of reputation and standing. I’d undoubtedly lose friendships for the deep deception I’d played out. I knew that my parents would stand by me – because they’d always told me that I could come to them no matter what happened in my life – but I didn’t imagine for a second that our relationship wouldn’t be severely damaged. There was more … more than the reputation and relationship, there was also my job. I worked for a Christian institution and did not for a second think that I would be allowed to stay. I had only been on their payroll for two months and there was no precedence for my “situation” – which meant two things: no money, and no insurance.

The situation was so hopeless that I could hardly breath as it closed in on me. In that split second of thought as I drove I began to think that the only answer was an abortion.

I have to do this. There is no other possible way this will ever work. This will be the hardest thing I ever do, but I can do it and then I can move on with my life.

My palms got clammy. Can I do this?  I have to. I have to.

I’ve heard epiphanies often come with light and sound, but mine was silent. The next breath; the next thought.

No.  I can’t do this.

The answers were still miles away, but in that moment, the complete resolve of my spirit was much stronger than my weak and selfish will:

This pregnancy will not end by my hand. Every other obstacle can be worked out, but a baby will be born.

It confounds logic. How does someone who was raised in a God-fearing home not fear God? How does someone raised by an abstinence counselor not abstain? How does someone sheltered from so many degrading aspects of our culture slip the protection to go wallow in the degradation?

 If I knew the answers to each of these question, and moreover, how to keep these things from happening, I’d be publishing a book on the sovereign parent’s 12-step plan to raising your kids right … but we aren’t sovereign and we aren’t saviors … we’re parents … and God is the only one who ignites the fire in our kids’ hearts to love and obey Him. We can do everything right and the truth may still appear to elude them, so what’s the answer, and where’s the logic?

God is the only answer and He is the only logic.

“But God was merciful! We were dead because of our sins, but God loved us so much that he made us alive with Christ, and God’s wonderful kindness is what saves you. God raised us from death to life with Christ Jesus, and he has given us a place beside Christ in heaven.” [Ephesians 2:5-6, contemporary English version]

 Two weeks ago, I posted “Chapter I” on how the Lord first prepared my heart to meet my future husband.  Posting that story was also the kick-off of a much bigger endeavor — my story.  Or rather, God’s story …

 Two pink lines. The test was really just a formality. I’d known what it was going to tell me, yet my hands shook, disbelief raced through my brain. Is it possible to know something and be shocked by it at the same time?

Pregnant.

I was almost incapable of thought.

The words were a sing-song chant in my brain: “How did this happen? How did this happen? How did this happen?”

I could count on both hands the people who were aware of this man’s existence in my life, and I only needed one hand to count the people who knew that he was more than a friend.

How did this happen to me?

Compromise.  When there is rebellion towards truth, boundaries are no longer necessary because everything appears relative, and selfishness, bitterness, and every other vice easily push aside whatever moral resistance should have been in place.

Days passed. I didn’t want to tell him. This couldn’t possibly go well and I had no answers to this problem, but it was the right thing to do. He deserved to know.

“Hey, we need to talk. Can I stop by?”  Such a long car ride.  What do I say?

I’m pregnant. There, the words were out. 

While there is relatively little of this conversation I recall, I do remember the litany of insults … one doesn’t usually forget those.

Was I scheming?

Was this a grand plot to get him to speak of marriage?  No, I thought.  I don’t want to marry you.  It was all wrong.

It’s funny how all that was so fun and seemingly mature was suddenly stripped away in a true crisis.  The adult was gone and in his place was an angry, selfish man-child.  …the first of many moments when I realized how totally blind I’d been.

More questions … Was this black-mail? How could I do that to him? And then, the final verdict … head in hands, crouched as if someone had just kicked him in the stomach, he uttered,“You have to abort it.”

Me:  Don’t ask me to do that, please. I don’t think it’s right. It goes against everything I’m about! For goodness’ sake, it goes against everything you say you’re about!

Him:  You have to do this!  There is no other option.

Me:  Don’t tell me that … as if I don’t know that already!  But my family … your family, especially your mother… nobody believes abortion is right.

Him:  Don’t talk to me about my mother! With this action, you have brought her one step closer to her grave.

Me:  Alright!  Fine!  I’ll consider it.

More accusations … more argument … no conclusions.

Finally, emotionally spent, we decide that we’ll talk in a few days …

 And still, the constant litany in my brain … but now, a different phrase; “What am I going to do?”

So alone.  “Lord, I don’t want to be alone.”

I remember it as clearly as if it were this morning.  Pitch black early November morning … it couldn’t have been more than 3:00 AM … the sound of a small baby’s breath in the crib next to my bed … the sound of my heart pounding in my ears.

For months, I’d been so certain, so sure, even at peace.  This was my life.  God had called me to be a single mother and minister to others.  And now, quite suddenly, my surety was gone.  And in it’s place … lonliness.  Not in a “I’m at a party and nobody’s talking to me” way, but rather like watching the hero of a movie die and thinking “No! That’s not right! Life shouldn’t be like that!” … that is the  feeling I remember.

And then, silence.  And in that silence, there was a direction, as clear as if someone had spoken the words outloud to me:

“Pray. Pray for a kinsman redeemer.”*

Is that you, Lord?  A kinsman redeemer?  Really?!  I feel crazy even saying that I heard that — let alone repeating it.

Pray for a kinsman redeemer.

Alright. Lord.  This is crazy, but I’ll pray …

The closing of one chapter and the beginning of another.  Saturday, October 13, 2007, and counting …

“Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.” ~ Psalm 36:5

*Kinsman Redeemer — See the book of Ruth to read the full account of Ruth and Boaz.