You think I would know by now that another shoe drops with each piece of news… I have debated writing this all down because it feels like I’m being a drama mama, and yet, it feels dramatic because everything is traumatic when there’s been a terminal fight. So, it’s true that Chase’s brain and spine are in the clear for now, but it was next-hospital-day news that revealed there is something growing in Chase’s thyroid. We have been told that it’s probably not a big deal, and I want to believe that with my whole heart, even though I know IT’S CHASE. All the necessary teams are getting onboard and there will be more tests and more days spent in the hospital. So it’s probably nothing. But it could be something. But we pray it’s not. Welcome to the roller coaster. The only thing we can do is buckle up and cling even more and ever more to hope in the moment by moment. ❤️
Chase Away Cancer Facebook page, January 11, 2019
It’s cancer. And the total mind-twisting news is that it’s actually a good cancer. (Yes, the term “good cancer” exists.) But it’s still another cancer and it’s somehow inconceivable to me that in nine short years, this sweet boy is facing a second battle. In this wind-knocked-out-of-us moment, there is so much to weigh us down and break us, but there is so much to be thankful for – so much blessing too. So, we choose thankfulness…and throw ourselves into the cancerous moment by moment again.
Chase Away Cancer Facebook page, January 29, 2019
It feels like I wrote these words seconds ago. I remember the pit in my stomach and the way it felt hard to breath. But it was a year ago now, and as I reflect on this crazy year of a second cancer, as we approach the second first anniversary of a diagnosis, there are three things that stay close to my heart, and so in honor of the struggle, I share them with you now. I hope you see yourself, see encouragement, and see hope in these words, for we are all in a fight of one kind or another:
- At no point does pain reach a saturation point. In our experiences this last year, there has never been a moment when we thought, nor have we met anyone else who thought or said: “Oh, I have already experienced several years of pain and suffering, so it does not phase me as it once did. It is easier now.” Every pain is new like water on a parched ground, soaking deep and fast, and sometimes things hurt worse simply for the misplaced conviction that they should not hurt at all.
- There is no modifier in a cancer journey. It isn’t “just” thyroid cancer, “just” stage one. There isn’t an “easy” cancer. Some are more complicated than others, some come with a higher mortality rate than others, but there is no easy cancer. Each comes with its complications, both physical and emotional. And in a disease where there is no justice, there can be no “just”. This is the broken world manifest in our broken bodies.
- Make every moment count. I sign off every piece with the phrase ‘moment by moment’ and it stems from the edge-of-the-knife times when everything changes and the ground shifts beneath you. If I could take one thing from those first seconds of knowing, when the heart beats hard and everything in you falls and screams, it would be this: make the time count. Sometimes, I forget and am lulled, yet, how I long to keep it close even when my heart beats slow and all is well. Only the necessary. Only as needed. Always with grace. …moment by moment.
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23
**On this past Tuesday evening, January 14th, Chase had another seizure, his first in six months. It was under five minutes long and he came out of it well and quickly, but he will be facing additional tests and labs, including another overnight stay in the hospital – all in the next month.**
Love and hugs,
Jane and Clint