Category: Family

Less than five hours left in this year of 2017…

This year has seen us through many, many things and all along the way we’ve prayed for the strength to choose joy. To that end -the joy part, or in this case, the hysterical laugh-until-you-cry part- I’ve compiled a series of status updates from my Facebook page; all of which were posted in 2017.

I chronicle these things (and have done so for some years) because life is too short and childhood is even shorter and there are too many parenting moments when you’re faced with the choice of either laughing or melting into a puddle of tears — so, as much as possible, we choose to laugh.

Many of the scenarios include personal hashtags: from the most common – #lifewithboys, to the most funny [playing off of our secret parenting fear that our children won’t get college scholarships] #notscholarshipmaterial, to my desperate need for mental awareness before dealing with early morning conundrums #givemecoffeeorgivemedeath – and this year, there are a couple guest appearances from #TheQuoteableEdPoole and Bob Ewoldt with some #MarriageGoals!

We’ve asked you to walk many hard things with us, so, for a brief moment, as we close 2017, enjoy our “normal“…

1. “Hey Mom, is there a list beyond the ‘Naughty List‘? Like, ‘The Atomic Naughty List‘? We were just wondering. Oh, and also, the elliptical is broken.”
2. You might be a mom of boys if your first thought on seeing a small child running through the room with underwear on his head is not “Why are you wearing underwear on your head?”, but rather, “Are they clean?”, and “They shouldn’t cover your eyes while you’re running!” 
3. Reasoning And Logic With Boys — Actual: “You can’t go outside to play until your room is clean.” Philosophical interpretation: “Open the windows and pitch everything out so we have a clean room AND have to go outside to pick things up.” #LifeWithBoys #GoDownWithTheShip
4. Just helped a child find his backpack. It was on his back. #SchoolForTheGifted #NotScholarshipMaterial
5. Boy: [PUNCH] Me: “Use your words!” Boy: [sweetly] Hello…! [PUNCH] #FiveKnuckleDiplomacy #LifeWithBoys
6. Well, well, looks like your #mondaymotivation arrived a day early. You’re welcome. #TheQuoteableEdPoole
7. “Mom, it’s not really hard to drive the car in the dark. You know what’s really hard? FARTING IN THE DARK…I just did it right now.”
8. ‪”But what do you mean that we don’t have any dynamite for me to use? Are you serious?” #LifeWithBoys
9. Because really, why WOULDN’T you put your toothbrush on the hood of the car? #LifeWithBoys #NotScholarshipMaterial 
10. “Just because I’m quiet doesn’t mean I’m getting into trouble. Also, I definitely have nothing in my pocket.” #LifeWithBoys #SmoothCriminal
11. “But we were only dusting for fingerprints…” #LifeWithBoys
12. Overheard: [sound of a running tackle] “GIMME BACK MY PANTS, STINK BRAIN!” #LifeWithBoys
13. Today the 3rd grader wrote his student council campaign speech on RESPONSIBILITY …on the bus on the way to school. #ParentOfTheYear
14. “In the future, I’d prefer it if you wore pants, shorts, or really anything on the lower half of your body when you come to the dinner table.” #LifeWithBoys
15. When the answer to “But why did you pin him to the ground?” is “Because a good captain always goes down with his ship”, it’s hard to argue. #HonorAmongThieves #LifeWithBoys #BandOfBrothers
    1. 1. Don’t pee in the bushes.
       2. Don’t pee on the carpet.
       3. Keep your hands to yourself.
       4. Less talking, more working.
       5. Don’t pee on your feet.
       6. Brush your teeth.
       7. Don’t punch each other in the [male anatomy].
       8. Don’t take your clothes off in public.
       9. Don’t take your shoes off in public.
       10. Take your hands out of your pants.
       11. Stop bothering your sister.
       12. Stop punching each other.
16. “Well, I did not know that it was your very new lipstick when I drew all over the toilet. It was only a dollar, right?” #LifeWithBoys 
17. The problem with Sing (the movie) as that you catch the five-year-old belting out “I DID IT MMYYYYY WWAAAAAYY!” …from the other side of the BATHROOM DOOR. #LifeWithBoys #CleanUpInAisleThree
18. “Mom, did you see my gnarly dive? By the way, just so you know, ‘gnarly‘ is a really, really old fashioned way to say ‘awesome’.“
19. “Well, Mom, if you think about it, the pig mom in Sing had like, twenty-five kids and you only have, um, four, so, um, really, it could be a lot worse. So, if you think about it, you really don’t have that much work to do at all. But I am hungry now. Is it time to eat?” – Child who does not want to see his next birthday
20. “But I’ve searched EVERYWHERE and my backpack is NOWHERE in the WHOLE house!” Says the boy as he is walking down the stairs and trips over his backpack. #LifeWithBoys #PoeticJustice
21. When the answer to the question is: “Because we are staging a fake old fashioned bar fight“, you know you live in a testosterone-rich environment. #LifeWithBoys
22. When one decides relieving his bladder is better done in the middle of the front yard than behind a closed bathroom door. Help me, Jesus… #IntoTheWind
23. “So Mom, just to clarify, did you tell us we can’t jump off the bunk bed ladder or off the dresser? I’m just wondering…because. Yeah, just because.”#NotScholarshipMaterial #SmoothCriminal
24. “Mom, I’m sorry I didn’t make it to dinner earlier. I was stuck in a box and there was a little stuck-related delay.”#LifeWithBoys #NotScholarshipMaterial
25. “Hey! Did you know women have a protein in their brains that make them talk more? This is why women are way more chatty than men. There’s science for the way you are.” Bob Ewoldt, on this, his last day of life #MarriageGoals
26. “It’s not fair that you’re making a big deal about him! He’s not the only one who got hurt, Mom. I hurt my knuckles when I punched him too!”#LifeWithBoys #PeeAndSympathy
27. Clearly, nobody’s an “enploye” of a cleaning service, “no adult” would survive, and the “no dogs” thing must be because a rabid pack of wild beasts is already in residence. #SchoolForTheGifted #LifeWithBoys 
28. Bedtime diversion tactic #43782: “I couldn’t hear you because I am really just having some bad hearing right now.” #PointsForSelfAwareness
29. “Hey Mom! Can I have a lighter? I’m making a fire, but don’t worry. I put the pile of sticks together so the fire will be controlled…and I put them in the deck…oh, wait…” #NotScholarshipMaterial #CrashAndBurn #LifeWithBoys
30. “Not a ‘court-hammer-thingy’! It’s called a gavel and I don’t care what you say… you don’t need one while you’re lying in bed trying to go to sleep.” #ThingsIActuallyJustSaid #LifeWithBoys
31. “If you play aggressive sports with a guy, they say it’s a sign that you like him…or, that you have brothers and aren’t afraid of guys…but mostly just that you like him.” – The Gospel According to 5th Grade #SaveMe
32. “Mom! Come quick! I wocked Aidan in the gawage and I need you to wet him out! But wet me start wunning away first.” – The Child formerly known as Karsten Ewoldt #LifeWithBoys
33. “Even ninjas have to be kind to their sisters.” – Life lessons with little boys
34. “Well, um, I was about to say that I *am* really responsible, but then I remembered that thing about the matches. Oops.” #LifeWithBoys
35. “I really don’t care that you didn’t lick it first. You are not allowed to stick Tootsie Rolls to the walls – science experiment notwithstanding.” #QuestionableEvolution #LifeWithBoys
36. Child One (singing): “Be kind to one another…”, Child Two: “No! You don’t know how to sing it! It’s ‘Be kind to your other mother’!” #EPICfail #notscholarshipmaterial
37. “Well, we weren’t really drawing on each other as much as we were just throwing the markers without caps. And also, we weren’t wearing any shirts, so the markers just sort of got on our skin. Accidentally.”#LifeWithBoys #GiveMeCoffeeOrGiveMeDeath
38. The words you can never quite UN-hear: “Mom, the boys have saline flushes and are using your milk foamer to remove Chemo Duck’s stuffing.” #RIPChemoDuck #LifeWithBoys #AnesthesiaSTAT
39. [early morning tears] “Mom, wake up! I’m crying because Darcy doesn’t respect my genius.” #GIVEMECOFFEEORGIVEMEDEATH
40. Darcy: “Wow, Aid washing his hands? That’s like, SO ironic.” Me: “How so?” Darcy: “I don’t really know, but it seems like maybe it could be. But wait, what does ‘ironic’ mean again?” #LifeWithTweens #JesusTakeTheWheel
41. One of the scariest nice weather phrases in the English language: “Um, we’re just digging, Mom. Um, don’t worry. Everything’s okay.” #LifeWithBoys
42. Me: “Son, that was unkind and out of line. How should you respond to your brother?” Child [faces sibling with a resigned sigh]: “Um… BACON??“#LifeWithBoys #BaconFixesEverything
43. Me: “Seriously, son? Do I look like I was born yesterday?” Son: “Well, not really. You actually look like you were born about a thousand years ago.” #LivingOnTheEdge #PointsForHonesty
44. “Hey, Mom, wanna see if I can slingshot your coffee mug while it’s still in your hand?” – When Spring Break Becomes Hazardous To Your Health #SpringBroken #LifeWithBoys 
45. “But I kicked him in the head because I loved him!” #LifeWithBoys #BandOfBrothers
46. [holds up the Poison Control add in the paper]: “So, wait… if you want to poison someone and you need help, you call them??” #NotScholarshipMaterial
47. “Well, Mom, it’s YOUR basement, so YOU should have to clean it up…NOT us.”– Anonymous Child with a DEATH WISH #WorldWarBasement
48. “WHAT?! You want us to clean up the WHOLE basement?? What are we?? Your SLAVES?!” #WorldWarBasement
49. Karsten: “Mom, what does ‘you ruined my life’ mean?” Me: “It’s when literally every single thing goes wrong, your life is completely scarred, and you can blame it one single person or event. Why?” Karsten: “Oh, I see. Well, because you kind of ruined my life with that breakfast.”
50. This afternoon’s coffee — Brought to you by the mischievous bald who locked all the house doors leaving his brother to wet his pants all over the front porch. More laundry. My favorite. #LifeWithBoys
51. “Well, actually, I should get something special because I was very, very on my good behavior until I threw the dish at Aidan’s head.” #BoyLogic #LifeWithBoys #SerenityNOW
52. “I can smell fear. But actually, since you just brushed your teeth, it’s mint fear.” – Karsten #TheHygienicTerrorist #LifeWithBoys
53. “Seriously, how many times have I told you not to lock your little brother in the coat closet?!” #LifeWithBoys
54. [whine] “But WHY do I have to wear a shirt to school?” #GIVEMECOFFEEORGIVEMEDEATH
55. “So, Mom, I’m thinking of becoming a professional singer. How do I get an agent?” #GIVEMECOFFEEORGIVEMEDEATH
56. “Don’t worry about that sound, Mom. It was just me dumping out all the Legos. Everything is okay.” #LifeWithBoys
57. No. I know you’re sad, but you can’t wear your swim goggles to school.” #GIVEMECOFFEEORGIVEMEDEATH
58. [whining tears] “I just walked into a door…again.” #LifeWithBoys
59. “Well, we are already done with breakfast, so we are pants-ing each other.” #LifeWithBoys #GIVEMECOFFEEORGIVEMEDEATH
60. “If a boy looks at you and smiles, like, literally looks at you, or if he talk to you even a little, it means he probably likes you.” – The Gospel According To Fifth Grade
61. 6:40AM [crash] “Mom! I just threw the shoe box with tissues* at a bug, but now I need my light saber! I will rescue you. [crash] Don’t worry!” #GIVEMECOFFEEORGIVEMEDEATH [*Chase’s words for the tissue box]
62. And then Chase purchased himself FOUR KAZOOS. The End. …of life as we know it. #GIVEMECOFFEEORGIVEMEDEATH
63. “It was just your imagination, Mom. We aren’t really getting in trouble. Don’t worry.” #LifeWithBoys #ItsAnIllusionMichael
64. “Mom, I just want you to know that I’m the fastest gun flinger in the West.” #NotScholarshipMaterial #CoverYourHead
65. “Well, I hit him, but it was an accident…or, maybe it was an acciDON’T.” #LifeWithBoys
66. “Shut up! I’m trying to make things right with you, chump!” #SensitivityTraining #ConflictResolution
67. 6:30AM – “Mom, I’m just waking you up because we dumped all the Legos and now the family room looks like the inside of a trash can.” #GIVEMECOFFEEORGIVEMEDEATH
68. “Um, I’m just wondering, um, where you can buy parachutes? …um, for no reason.” #LifeWithBoys
69. “Can sisters sign their brothers up for the Air Force?” #LifeWithKids
70. “Mom, if I explain the biosphere to you, can I have a dollar?” #KnowledgeIsMoney
71. When the answer to “Has anyone seen my car keys?” is “Yeah, I got angry and put them in the mail box.“
72. “I’M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU AGAIN… PUT DOWN THE SWORD AND GO TO BED!” #LifeWithBoys #SerenityNOW
73. 6:30AM [shoving a paper in my face] “Mom, I used the standard algorithm on this equation. The answer is 1.1, right?”
74. “But I was trying to turn off the light switch by shooting it with my Nerf bullet…” – Boy-Related Crisis Explanation #3,872
75. Signs you might need more coffee in your life… “Mom, can Charlie [the stuffed dog] talk to you about the geosphere?“
76. And now it’s time for another round of “Unsolicited Opinions With Chase”… “Mom, you can be annoying sometimes when you speak French.”
77. Is playing a harmonica at 6:30 on a Saturday morning justifiable grounds for selling a child on Ebay? Asking for a friend… #LifeWithBoys
78. “Mom, it took me FOREVER to clean!”…”You cleaned?!”…”Well…NO. But if I did, it would take me FOREVER.“
79. “Mom, I’m worried about dinner…it smells like one of Karsten’s farts with a pinch of salt.” #NewRecipeFTW #LifeWithBoys
80. “Les, take a picture of me with this lollipop so I can put it on Facebook and caption it: ‘two dum-dums’.” #FatherKnowsBest #Goals 
81. [after a series of visits to the ER] “You’re bald!” … “Oh yeah, well your forehead is glued together!” #MedicalBurns #HeadCases #NotScholarshipMaterial
82. [whining] “You want me to eat zucchini for dinner? Can I call my lawyer??” #LifeWithBoys
83. “For the love of sanity, don’t lick your sister’s arm!” #LifeWithBoys
84. Blah, blah, blah, anecdotal insanity ending in “…so, I pee’d in the bottle!!” #CensoredLifeWithBoys #BleachIsMyBFF
85. When all your “save electricity” lectures finally take root and you find the crockpot dinner had been off for hours to “help”. #SerenityNOW
86. [The Bald being dragged out of the sermon] “BORING! BORING! BORING!” #LifeWithBoys

 

There are so many crazy things that happen during the year and I often don’t get time to post on social media, but wow, these kids make me laugh, so here are a few never-before-seen quotes that come to mind…

**THE BONUS ROUND**

1. “Mom, do you think cats can speak English?” #NotScholarshipMaterial
2. “No nudity in the Christmas pictures, please.” #LifeWithBoys
3. “If I told you that I had an eye patch, would I still be in trouble?” #SmoothCriminal
4. When the answer to “Can anyone tell me why Karsten’s glasses are outside in the hostas?” is “Well, I got really mad and I threw them out the bedroom window.” #BandOfBrothers #LifeWithBoys
5. “Mom, do we have any duct tape? We’re building a trap for Darcy.” #SiblingLove

 

In addition, anyone who has ever had brothers or sons knows that there is an entire genre of quotes, hilarity and insanity that is not always fit for public consumption, but on the occasion of the end of 2017 and the start of 2018, I give you a special, somewhat edited, select few from…

**THE CENSORED LIFE WITH BOYS**

1. “Mom, we’re just playing a game. It’s where we see who can hit each other in the [anatomy] the hardest.” #LifeWithBoys
2. “Mom, I kind of might have forgotten to open the lid when I pee’d in the bathroom just now.” #LifeWithBoys
3. “Son, I’m not going to tell you again. I don’t care if your [anatomy] itches…get your fork out of your pants.” #LifeWithBoys
4. [referencing a near miss with a zipper fly] “And that’s why you shouldn’t go commando.” #LifeWithBoys

 

Goodnight and goodbye, dear old 2017…

Moment by moment.

“The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.” Psalm 16:6