There are less than a dozen hours left in the year and this gathering of words are our battle scars and these words are our laugh lines and I find myself soaking them in because it all gets more serious the taller they get. And on the every day level, life is hard and sometimes thankless and finding the laughter in it is like uncovering buried treasure. There are 99 in all and I had no idea until I lined them all up how many of them had their origin in a bathroom – my sincere apologies and I’ll completely understand if you don’t want to come to my house anymore. Many of the scenarios include personal hashtags: from the most common – #lifewithboys, to the most funny [playing off of our secret parenting fear that our children won’t get college scholarships] – #notscholarshipmaterial, to a mini-series done this fall when I “live-posted” the cleaning up of the basement – #worldwarbasement
We’ve asked you to walk many hard things with us, so, for a brief moment, as we close 2015, enjoy our “normal“…
The winner of the first 2015 quote goes to Aidan Russell Grey, found shoeless on the 7 degree Lake Geneva golf course: “But Grammie, sand is for bare feet!” #NotScholarshipMaterial
2. “Mom! Come quick! It’s an emergency!! I’m using ‘The Force’ on Karsten and Chase!!” …time to redefine “emergency”.
3. Newspaper reporter: “And where do you go to school?”
Aidan: “Um, I go to school at Washington… Washington, D.C.” #PublicRelationsGenius
4. T-minus 10 minutes before this morning’s doctor appointments: “Hey Mom! We don’t have our coats on yet. We’re having an underwear party! We took all of our underwear out of the drawers and are throwing them in the air and that’s the party!!” Yep, that sounds about right. #LifeWithBoys
5. “Mom, I’m bringing Karsten downstairs to you because he got his lip stuck in the wheel of his police truck and we can’t get it out.” #NotScholarshipMaterial
6. Life lessons with the Ewoldts: “If Darth Vader had a sister, I’m sure he would have been nice to her and not used the force on her…not even because her bedroom is pink.”
7. That moment you ask him to try making his bed by himself… #LifeWithBoys
8. When the 3 year old responds to “But did you move the dresser?” with: “Well…maybe I did not, but you can’t come into my room right now, Mom.” #LifeWithBoys
9. That moment in a media interview where the children start informing the reporter on family history: “Well, Aidan is my brother…but sometimes he gets angry…and Darcy should stop talking forever…and it’s okay if I put my dirty socks on the piano…because sometimes Daddy puts his dirty socks there too.” #MassiveFacePalm
10. Sometimes life with small boys means being asked to read a short eulogy over the spider on the wall before being encouraged to “…skooosh it’s guts out, Mom!” So complicated. #LifeWithBoys
11. “Look, Mom! We are both playing telephone!!” #NotScholarshipMaterial
12. At the breakfast table: “Hey Mom, can we eat some crackers while we are waiting for snack time?” #LifeWithBoys #BottomlessPits
13. “But can we PLEASE jump on all the furnitures?! I promise we will do it very s-l-o-w-l-y!!” #BoyLogic
14. I’d love to see the parenting book that gives an explanation for what I was just told: “Well, I taked off my shirt and then I went into the fridge and took out an orange and I put it in my armpit, and it made me really cold!”
15. “Mom, I’ve decided that when I grow up, I will have lots of children and they’ll all be boys. …and their names will all have to be ‘Aidan’. Otherwise, I won’t be able to read or spell their names.” -Aidan #KnowYourLimits
16. “Hey Mom, I really want to name one of the class chickens. I don’t know if Mrs. Coover will let me, but if she does, I’m thinking about either Ketchup or Captain America.”
17. The parenting conundrum is this: If you actually say “Hey, bathroom towel racks only look like gym equipment. They are, in fact, NOT”, then you might give them ideas. However, if you don’t ever say it, you’re liable to encounter a small boy doing chin ups as the towel bar crashes to the ground because “Well, you never told me not to.”
18. Little Girl: Okay, now, I’ll be the Mommy and do the cooking…”
Little Ewoldt Boy: “Okay. I’ll be the Daddy. Smell my victory, you Trojan dogs!!”
That went well.
19. “No, I’m sorry, Karsten. Dogs aren’t oviparous animals.” …and with that, my 6 year old is smarter than me.
20. “But, why can’t I wash my hands in the toilet, Mom??” – Excuse me while my inner germaphobe falls down and dies. #LifeWithBoys
21. “I’m a Princess Cinderella Storm Trooper Clone and this is my helmet.” Yep, that sounds about right.
22. “I think I was born for turkey. Sometimes I wish I was a turkey so I could eat myself…well, maybe not that, because it would be awkward, but I at least wish it was Thanksgiving all the time so I could eat turkey forever…but I still wouldn’t eat myself.” -Aidan Ewoldt, “Ode To A Turkey Sandwich” #NotScholarshipMaterial
23. Lunch guessing games… Chase: “I’m a superhero, and I wear a super suit, and I throw things, and I say ‘Ha! My name is Batman!’ …Who am I?”, Karsten: “DARK BADER!!!!”, Aidan: “Superman!!” All. The. Hashtags.
24. “Well, son, I’m so sorry your head hurts, but that’s what happens when you make the decision to pull a hat over your eyes and navigate the house at a run.” #NotScholarshipMaterial #GeneticsFTW
25. 3 year old voice from the bathroom: “Mom! I flushed the toilet! …and I have my butt on!”
Words fail me…
26. “Yes, that’s a very good point, but I stand by my original statement: you may not tape things to yourself or your brothers.”
27. Turns out, yoga becomes far less relaxing when you turn from “downward dog” to the sight of one boy’s bare butt hanging out the kitchen window as he makes a wild grab for the underwear his older brother is throwing off the side of the porch. #LifeWithBoys
28. That moment when structured morning “coloring time” turns in to an all-out drama that leaves me explaining to crushed littles why their father is probably not going to cut a hole in the bedroom wall for the secret boy club. #MaternalBuzzKill #SaveTheHouse
29. Parental Log: 6:58AM — Echoing voice sounds coming from the bathroom – the kind of sounds that could only be made if a child stuck his head into the toilet bowl to make them. Under parental interrogation and great duress, he admitted to opening the lid, sticking his head in, and singing a song at the top of his lungs as… “an accident”. #NotEnoughCoffeeInTheWorld #NotEnoughBleachInTheWorld
30. “I’m tackling her because she said I need to go to England and learn manners because I don’t have any.” #SisterProbs #LifeWithBoys
31. “Is Toews called ‘The Captain’ because he’s the captain of the team? Why is it called a penalty box? Is it a power play because they use special powers? Which color are the Blackhawks wearing? Why did the goalie fall down when the puck came at him? Why is Daddy yelling at the TV? Is it nice to laugh and cheer when the bad guys have the puck? Why can’t they high-stick each other? What happens if they drop their sticks? When can they start fighting? …that’d be cool.” -Hockey with Aidan
32. “Mom, we are doing something super awesome with the Slip ‘n’ Slide!! …and don’t worry…you won’t have to take anyone to the emergency room!!”
33. That moment the young artist decided his older sister’s blue nail polish would be less awesome in the bottle and exceedingly more awesome in a self-expressive, artistic mural all over the side of my antique waterfall dresser. I’m sensing tragedy in said artist’s near future. #PicasSOMuchTrouble
34. “Mom, wook! I gwood it so it would stick to my face! It’s gwood to my face!!” #TimeToWockUpTheGwooStick
35. When the answer to “Why did you punch your brother in the face?” is “But he said ‘blah-blah’ to me!“, you know it’s going to be a *great* day. #SuckerPunchWednesday #LifeWithBoys
36. “UN-courage”: The term used by Aidan to describe his practice of distracting Chase and Karsten from cleaning up. As in, “Mom, I un-couraged them to NOT clean up.” #CaptainDoubleNegative #LifeWithBoys
37. That moment the contrite sibling confession comes after driving nearly a quarter of a mile: “Well, Mom, I DID take Karsten’s favorite little dog even though I said I didn’t…and then I put him on the roof of the car.” #BandOfBrothers #LifeWithBoys
38. “But I didn’t bite him on purpose! He stuck his foot in my face and it accidentally went in my mouth and my teeth closed…but only a little!!” #LifeWithBoys
39. “Mom, I forgive you…because I ate all the marshmallows.”
40. “Mom, I’m helping you today! … Can I have a hundred dollars?” #CharmingChase
41. “But Mom, I didn’t really punch him…it was a fake punch!” Excuse me for second while I go reset my Keurig to “stun”.
42. What Karsten does to makes something disappear: “Abwa-ca-dabwaaaa!!” [sticks it behind his back]
What Karsten does when asked to make something reappear: [pulls it from behind his back, holds it out, looks at you like you’re crazy] “Yeah, it’s wight hewe, why?” #NotScholarshipMaterial
43. “Can I have rocket boosters? I’m never going to clean my room again! What day is tomorrow? Is it my first day of school? I don’t like you because you won’t let me eat candy and Daddy ALWAYS says it’s okay! Can you make something NOT yucky for dinner? Can I have a laser to freeze things?” #LifeWithChase
44. I can hear Karsten standing in front of the bathroom mirror talking to his reflection…“You’re so handsome! … No, YOU’RE so handsome! …NO, you’re SO handsome! …” [and so on] Can I blame this on the Ewoldt genes?
45. “Look Mom! I made a giant tower of [LEGO] heads!!” To save for college, or bail…that is the question. #NotCreepyAtAll
46. Four hours and five minutes… The length of time on the first day of school until the first call from the nurse’s office. #LifeWithBoys
47. That in-the-middle-of-church moment you realize your youngest son has his pants on backwards and your first thought is; “At least he’s wearing pants”. #LifeWithBoys
48. It’s not so much the saying: “Karsten Robert Charles, take the carrot out of your nose!” that gets me… It’s the knowledge that it isn’t the first time I’ve said it and it almost definitely won’t be the last.
49. Chase was afraid I’d miss him too much while he was in school… So, he snuck a yellow crayon into the dryer. #LifeWithBoys
50. “Well, Mom, I didn’t make good choices today in school – like Jabba the Hut when he chooses not to listen to Luke Skywalker and then he gets really dead. He should have made better choices and…well, me too.” -Chase #StarWarsLifeLessons
51. “Well, Mom, if you EVER make me wait for ANYTHING, that probably means you don’t love me.” -Karsten #YoungestChildProbs #GuiltTrippin’
52. The parental disciplinary quandary… Technically speaking, I never specifically told him: “Hey Karsten, while I’m outside putting your brother on the bus for four minutes, you’re not to push a chair to the sink, fill Aidan’s nerf gun with water, and give the family room and your sister’s bedroom a super-soaker shower.”
53. “Can we PLEASE slide down the stairs in boxes if we PROMISE you won’t have to take us to the hospital??” #LifeWithBoys
54. If you’re going to steal dry erase markers to write all over the basement wall and then deny it; it’s probably best not to WRITE YOUR NAME. #SmoothCriminal
55. Well, hello there, Monday morning…
Me: “Aidan, why are you wearing three pairs of underwear?”
Aidan: “Because every day when I get off the bus and go downstairs, Kookie tries to take my pants down…but now, he won’t be able to because I’ve tricked him with my extra underwears!”
Me: “Karsten Robert Charles…!”
Karsten: “It’s because I just miss he when he’s at school!”
#NotScholarshipMaterial #BrotherlyLove
56. “Mom, does Dad have a chainsaw?” [pause for an affirmative answer] “Hey, Mom…are little kids allowed to use chainsaws? Me and Chase are building a trap for Darcy and we really, really need to cut a hole in the basement floor.” #LifeWithBoys
57. “I don’t care if it itches, get your spoon out of your pants!! …and don’t use it to eat your cereal anymore!!”
#LifeWithBoys
58. “I’m a doctor, Mom. You need a check-up. Um, where are the needles?”#MalpracticeMakesPerfect
59. “Mom, today I’m going to remember to wear my glasses to school so I don’t open a door into my head again.” #Goals
60. “It’s not all about you, Mom. Today in school, I spelled my first name AND my last name. Now, that’s good.” #ChaseWinsEverything
61. “What?! I can’t hear you right now. I’m on the phone.” There’s nothing like seeing your poor parenting techniques parroted back to you with a graham cracker. #LifeWithBoys
62. They say that little kids don’t come with early warning systems, but when the four-year-old plops down in the middle of the hallway yelling “Stalling! Stalling! Stalling!” at the top of his lungs during clean-up time, it is, at the very least, informative. #KarstenPSA #TheMoreYouKnow
63. And now it’s time for another round of “Coronary-Inducing Speculative Questions with Karsten”!
[comes in from the backyard with dirt on his face] “Mommy do we eat worms?”
64. “Mom, have the Chicago Bears EVER won a game since I was born?” – Aidan, 7
65. What’s that old saying . . .?
“Dirty sock in the lunch bag; sailor take warning.”
Ah, MONDAY.
66. “What have I told you about playing with your [gummy] vitamins? Take them off your forehead right now.”
67. “But Mom, I didn’t push the buttons on the TV. They pushed themselves!”
68. “I totally cleaned up all the train tracks. Also, don’t come downstairs and check.” #WorldWarBasement
69. “I was going to clean up, but now I can’t. I’m too angry because YOU’RE MAKING CHICKEN FOR DINNER AGAIN!!” #WorldWarBasement
70. “I wanted to clean up, but I got my arm stuck in the stairs.”#WorldWarBasement
71. “But tackling people doesn’t make me tired! Just cleaning up does.”#WorldWarBasement
72. “I can’t clean up because Karsten took the tire pump off of Daddy’s desk and he’s blowing air on my head.” #WorldWarBasement
73. “I can’t clean up because I have to count all the stairs in our house.”#WorldWarBasement
74. “But I forgot where all the toys go…” #WorldWarBasement
77. “But I forgot where all the toys go…” #WorldWarBasement
78. “But Darcy’s doll is downstairs and we can’t clean up when there are girl toys in the basement.” #WorldWarBasement
79. “I can’t cleanup because Chase said ‘Ha’ to me and it hurted my feelings.”#WorldWarBasement
80. “But can I please just tell you a story first?” #WorldWarBasement
81. “Can’t we please just use the vacuum to suck up all the toys?”#WorldWarBasement
82. [ridiculously exaggerated fake cough] “But I think I’m getting sick…”#WorldWarBasement
83. “I can’t clean the basement tonight because I need to focus on cleaning my room. You always tell me to clean my room…” #WorldWarBasement
84. “Yes, you can come back inside now, but stomp off your boots first.” [sound of stomping all over the kitchen floor] “OUTSIDE! Stomp off your boots OUTSIDE!!” #SnowfallSerenity
85. “Hey! Mom’s making banana bread with pumpkin in it! So it’s banana bread without the bananas!!” #NotScholarshipMaterial
86. 20 minutes in: “We’ve been cleaning up for HOURS . . . Is it still Monday?“#WorldWarBasement
87. The lesson? Always ask “What game?” Because “We are just playing a game, Mom” is usually always finished with “It’s where you pull the hat over your eyes and run around as fast as you can without hitting things. Kind of.” #LifeWithBoys
88. Misadventures of a Thanksgiving break:
“Stop licking the window!”
“Get a tissue! Putting your boogers on the bedroom wall is NEVER okay!”
“I don’t really want to know if your pee looks like a tornado!”
“Seriously, put some pants on!”
#LifeWithBoys
89. Baby Jesus, shepherds, wise men, and the *slightly* lesser known SpiderMan and Buzz Lightyear. #DeckTheWHAT
90. Darcy (crying): “I’m going to miss you so much, Mom. I’ve loved being on vacation so much.”
Aidan (also crying): “But I want a banana so much! Why can’t you send me with a banana in my lunch?”
I provoke the same emotions as a piece of fresh produce. My job here is done.
91. Most Dreaded Sentence in Parenting: “Um, Mom… I know why the toilet isn’t flushing…”
92. “Hey, Mom, [pointing to a decorative poem on the side of his piggy bank,] how many more letters are there until Christmas day?”#ICanCountToPurpleBackwards #NotScholarshipMaterial
93. Next year, Karsten isn’t doing the nativity. #ThisIsNotTheBabyYoureLookingFor
94. And now it’s time for “Sick Days with the Captains Obvious” —
Aidan: “Who am I? I’ll give you a hint, it’s a really, really bad guy!”
Chase: “The bad guy!!”
Aidan: “YES!!”
95. “Mom! Help! I’m so cold! Why is it so cold in here?” #JustAnotherDayWithChase
96. Christmas Day, 5:50AM – “But Mom, where is Santa Clause? Does he have his sleigh with him? Are you sure he left presents? Does he really know where our house is? Is Karsten still on the naughty list for flushing the helicopter down the toilet? Isn’t Bapa really Santa? Can I wake up now?” #MerryCHASEmas
97. “Well Mom, I can’t clean up the basement because I just have a super important question: Who am I going to marry when I get grown up? I really need to know right now…” And now I’ve heard it all. #MerryCHASEmas #WorldWarBasement
98. “Hey, Mom, if you hold your eyes like this so that they go to the sides, you can have staring contests with two different people at the same time!” #NotScholarshipMaterial #LifeWithBoys
99. “But why do we have to wash dishes in the sink? Why do people never just put them in the toilet and flush? That’d be a lot quicker.” #LifeWithBoys
Goodnight and goodbye, dear old 2015 . . . Moment by moment.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. Psalm 16:6
