The year 2016 has less than a dozen hours left in it. What an intense season it has been!
This year has seen us through many, many things and all along the way we’ve prayed for the strength to choose joy. To that end -the joy part, or in this case, the hysterical laugh-until-you-cry part- I’ve compiled a series of actual status updates and quotes from social media; all of which were posted in 2016. I chronicle these things (and have done so for some years) because life is too short and childhood is even shorter and there are too many parenting moments when we’re faced with the choice of either laughing or melting into a puddle of tears — so, as much as possible, we choose to laugh. We’ve asked you to walk many hard things with us, so, for a brief moment, as we close this extraordinary year, enjoy our “normal“…
Note: due to the household including the addition of three boys in approximately three years, an abnormally large amount of the quotes have to do with bodily functions or bathrooms. Consider yourself warned.
- Can I pwease use this wike a helmet? It’s probably okay that I cannot see.”
2. Me: “Don’t throw in the house, Chase.”
Chase: “But Daddy taught me how to do it so nothing breaks!”#LifeWithFather
3. “Can we go around the table and say what we are thankful for? I think Aidan is thankful that I kicked his butt today.”
4. “But I couldn’t cover my burp while I was tooting! I cannot do two things at once.”
5. “But why do I have to take my fingers out of my nose?”
6. “I don’t care what he did, you don’t yell ‘Victory is mine!’ and throw something across the table.”
7. “Thank you for being quiet while Daddy and I were talking. No, you may not have ten dollars or a cookie.”
8. Yesterday, I convinced Karsten that I have eyes in the back of my head.
Now, he only wants to stand in front of me so that I “can’t see him”.
Four-year-old boys are the BEST. #LifeWithBoys
9. Life lessons with the Ewoldt boys: your underwear is not an acceptable storage area for Legos. #NotScholarshipMaterial
10. Today’s life lesson: No snowball fights in the house. #LifeWithBoys
11. When the answer to “Where’s your baby brother, Aidan?” is “Well, um, he missed me so much while I was at school, so I locked him in the coat closet”, you know it’s going to be a *fun* evening. #BandOfBrothers
12. Karsten: “Crackers.”
Me [searching for the appropriate “please”]: “Crackers . . . what??”
Karsten [deep in thought]: “Crackers . . . and a banana?”
#EmilyPostIsDead #FacePalm
13. “Well, they can’t brush their teeth right now because I put all the toothbrushes down the laundry shoot.” #LifeWithBoys
14. “But he accidentally stepped on my toe, so I thought it was okay to bite his ear.” #LifeWithBoys
15. But I’m not getting food with the same hand I used to pick my nose…why are you being so angry about it?”
16. “But I don’t want a hug . . . can’t you please just fix the TV?”
17. Aidan has discovered air quotes. As in ‘Girls do “everything”, and ‘Girls are “awesome”. Feeling the love. #GrammarSlapped
18. “Oh yeah, well God’s a boy, so we win. Ha.” – Aidan #LifeWithBoys #TheologyFTW
19. Often informed “If I leave it, than you can clean up, Mom.” It’s all coming together now… #NeedARaise
20. “I don’t really need help with my homework. I just need you to tell me some answers…for some…*stuff*.” – Ewoldt child, future politician
21. Aidan is making a map of his room for a school project. He asked me how many baskets of dirty laundry he should include in the key. #SOproud
22. “Mom, this is a ‘Boy-inator’. It takes everything gross like girls and turns them into boys. Because we’re awesome.”
23. “I’m just eating and punching people. Um…I mean…I’m just eating.” #LifeWithBoys #PointsForHonesty
24. Coffee. Brought to you by sons who found whistles and declared themselves a marching band before 7AM. #LifeWithBoys
25. How dinner usually starts in our house: “First of all, I’d like to thank the boys for wearing clothes to the table….” #LifeWithBoys
26. “Well, um, you bought us the toys, so isn’t it really YOUR job to clean them up?” – Child who’d spend the rest of his life being grounded
27. A typical response to learning helpfulness in the kitchen: “Get the cereal? GET THE CEREAL?! Am I your SERVANT NOW?” #LifeWithBoys
28. When you ask where he left his gloves and are informed matter-of-factly that they’re outside in the mailbox. #LifeWithBoys
29. Sadly, the young artist’s career was tragically cut short, as was his sister’s nail polish supply… 
30. Sometimes motherhood means calmly accepting the highly improbable: “Mom, can you help me get my blanket? It accidentally fell out the window and into the snow. Because the window was open…um, on accident. For real.” #LifeWithBoys
31. “This week in art, we got to use ‘oil pistols’ to paint. It was a paint, but had the name of a gun – so cool!” #LifeWithBoys #FamilyFriday
32. “Well, I just spitted on he’s face by accident!” #LifeWithBoys #FamilyFriday
33. “Mom, want to play this new game with me? It’s called ‘Throw Cheese Sticks’!” #LifeWithBoys
34. “Karsten, I’m sorry. And this time, I actually mean it.” #LifeWithBoys#PointsForHonesty
35. “Mom, this spring break, I’m going to write a short story. It’s called: ‘The Boy Who Had A Sister’. Also, how do you spell ‘annoying’??” #FutureBestSeller
36. “I couldn’t get out the door because it said ‘PUSH’ and I was pulling it really hard.” #SchoolForTheGifted
37. The sentence that never ends well: “Hey, Mom, remember that time Grandpa taught us to…” #TheQuoteableEdPoole #Family
38. “Well, um, I remembered that you told me not to touch the egg cooker when it was on, so I was trying to listen to it…and that’s how I burned my face.” #GeniusHurts 
39. Here in this house, we encourage thoughtful, peaceful conflict resolution:
Boy 1: “You can’t do that!”
Boy 2: “Yes I can, because I’m the captain… [thinks for a minute]… and the commander [thinks for another minute]…and I can take away your gravity!” #LifeWithBoys #NotScholarshipMaterial
40. [indignant tone] “I’m not playing BY the ironing board. I’m playing ON the ironing board.” #PrepositionalFAIL #LifeWithBoys
41. The love/hate relationship with “boy logic” continues: “Well, I just punched him in the foot because he wouldn’t forgive me!!” #LifeWithBoys
42. “Mom! You love the eye drops so much that you should probably just MARRY THEM! This is why boys are better than girls…because they DON’T! LOVE! EYE DROPS!”
Yeah, so the whole post-surgery eye care things is going super well. #LifeWithChase #ItsANeuroLife
43. “Hey, Mom, I found some food that had been left out downstairs and I licked it and it didn’t taste gross, so I ate it, okay?” #LifeWithBoys
44. Parenting requires so much thinking!
But sometimes, you get that one, awesome, incredible, no-brainer to answer.
And yet, it’s hard to be thankful for it, all things considered:
“Hey Mom, can I close my eyes and run when we cross the street?”
#LifeWithBoys #NotScholarshipMaterial
45. “I am NOT being bossy! I’m just SHOUTING because they won’t let me be in charge of EVERYTHING!!” -Chase #MyFighter #LifeWithChase
46. Me: Who can tell me what they learned today? Chase: [shoots hand in the air] OH! ME! I learned ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!! #TheLunchSpecial
47. “Mom! If you don’t give me another turkey sandwich, I’m going to scare you with my forehead!” #TheLunchSpecial #TooLateKid
48. Me: Here’s your sandwich. What do you say?
Child: Um, you need a haircut?
Me: Try again…What do you say?
Child: Um, THANK YOU. …and you need a haircut?
#LifeWithBoys #GoBigOrGoHome
49. “But Mom, you say violence is never an option — And I only threw him! That’s non-violent!” #LifeWithBoys
50. Me: “Repeat after me…’Mom, I will not slam doors in the house’.”
Small boy: “Mom, I will not kick down doors in the house.”
Me: “Son, that’s not what I said…”
Small boy: “I know, but it was a good one, right?”
#ReadMyLips
51. Sometimes, the word “it” is the scariest word in the English language…
Me: “What is that noise? Stop it right now!”
Small Boy: “Okay, Mom! Sorry! I was just pounding holes into it!!”
[…..]
#LifeWithBoys
52. “Well, see, I meant to clean up all the toys. But then I didn’t. I dumped them all out instead. And it probably isn’t my fault.” #TheArtOfTheDodge
53. “But Mom, it was only a plastic knife in my mouth and I wasn’t riding even my bike all that fast…” #LifeWithBoys #LogicFail
54. That minute you look outside to see your child taking the garden hose… to the neighbor’s house. #LifeWithBoys
55. Sometimes being the youngest is challenging…
And by “challenging”, I mean “occasionally your marketing-challenged older brother sticks a sign on you and tries to sell you”… Sort of…
#LifeWithBoys #Brothers
In somewhat related news, I’m now using Google to see if ingested glow sticks are toxic.
#LifeWithBoys
57. Other things I’ve apparently never specifically stated? Don’t lick the stamp pad. Wow, they’re on a roll… #LifeWithBoys
58. There’s nothing like a good vote of parental confidence…
Chase: “Mom, where’s Grandma?”
Me: “She’s out running an errand. Why?”
Chase: “She’s gone?! But, who’s in charge?”
Me: “Um, I am.”
Chase [looking extremely dubious]: “Are you sure?”
59. “Mom, my teacher gave me a butterfly net for summer break, but I want you to know I will not use it ‘mis-appropriately’. okay?” #FamousLastWords #LifeWithBoys
60. “Just to clarify, we don’t lock each other out of the house in our pajamas…” #LifeWithBoys #SummerBreak
61. Karsten: “Mom! Aidan gave me chicken pox with his markers!!”
Aidan: “Mom! It wasn’t my fault! He said he wanted a makeover!”
#LifeWithBoys
62. “But I wasn’t actually going to THROW the water balloons in the house!” #LifeWithBoys #Semantics
63. Fact: nobody negotiates like the child with older siblings.
Karsten: “What do I get if I shower?”
Me: “You get my undying gratitude.”
Karsten: [blink, blink…]
Karsten: “Um…I meant something like M&Ms…”
64. “Mom, Darcy won’t let me play with her toys. I think we just need a new sister in this house.” #SisterExchangeProgram #LifeWithBoys
65. “But we’re just FAKE punching each other…” #LifeWithBoys
66. “Ma’am, you awe undew awwest.” #HowWeSummer #KillTheWabbit#WifeWithBoys
67. Small children. Endless energy supply. Logic sold separately. #LifeWithBoys
68. “Well, I probably cannot help clean up because there’s no gravity.” Just when I thought I’d heard them all… #LifeWithBoys #CaptainHypothesisToTheRescue
69. “Mom, I’m pwobable to be awwested. You should know this.” -Karsten, age 4
#ConsideringMyselfWarned #LifeWithBoys
70. “Mom, Dad, I’ve decided to grow up and be the next Einstein…the next major genius. I just thought you should know.” – Aidan, age 7, walks into walls #ConsideringMyselfWarned #LifeWithBoys
72. “Mom, I think we are a family of superheroes. …Even you and Dad because you could be Wonder Woman and Dad could be Batman. And I don’t want you to take this the wrong way… You’re kind of too fat to be Wonder Woman right now, but it’s okay, because we could make one of your super powers the ability to get thin, and then it’d be great. See?” – Aidan “Self Esteem” Ewoldt, age 7…possibly not getting to age 8
73. Overheard: “No Chase, don’t jump OVER me! You’re supposed to jump ON me.”
Fingers crossed that we stay out of the ER tonight.
#LifeWithBoys #LogicSoldSeparately
74. He stumbled out of bed, grabbed a banana, and has been clasping it to his ear, saying “Please hold” ever since. Hope your Friday is off to a better start than Karsten’s…
75. [low electric humming noise coming from behind the closed door] “Um, son? Do you have your light saber in the bathroom with you?” #LifeWithBoys
76. “Mom, do we have any parachutes? I’m just wondering…” #LifeWithBoys
77. [series of crashes] “Mom! We invented a new game! It’s called ‘Stair-Sled-Hockey-With-Pillows’!!” #LifeWithBoys #IsThereADoctorInTheHouse
78. Aidan is sitting in church designing a birthday card for his brother. I sense an awkward conversation in our future.
79. And now it’s time for “Your Daily Dose of Parental Self Esteem”…
[shouted across Target] “Mom! You paid $16.65. Do you know what happened in the year 1665? Because if you don’t, you REALLY need to go back to school. Like, I mean… REALLY.”
80. “Aidan and I talked about it and now, he’s my butler and I will call him ‘butler’ and tell him to do things.” -Karsten Robert Tyrant Ewoldt
81. Home-From-School-Sick-Aidan is the best: “Do you want to see some magic?” [holds up a coin] “Watch! Disappeared!!” [sound of coin hitting the floor] “Well, wait…it might have gone down my pants.” [spinning in circles] “Did it go down my pants? I can’t see it…where did it go?” Ta-da. #NotScholarshipMaterial
82. More magic with Home-From-School-Sick-Aidan: [holds out three Pokemon cards – face down] “Mom, pick a card…any card! …but wait, not the middle one.” [I pick the one on the right] “Good. Now put it right back where you took it out.” [I comply] “Good. Now… [picks the card in the middle] was THIS your card?” [I shake my head] “Oh. Wait. [holds up the three cards – all of which are the same] I forgot which cards I put in! Okay. Never mind, Mom.” Ta-Da. #NotSholarshipMaterial
83. “Mom? Can you Google ‘How To Accidentally, On-Purpose Annoy Your Dad”?? #LifeWithKids
84. “Just relax…and don’t look at Mom. If you don’t look at her, you might not get in trouble. Stay cool.” #BrotherlyAdvice
85. Waking to “The Imperial March” played on a kazoo… Just another average day. #LifeWithBoys
86. Conflict resolution done Ewoldt-style [nose-to-nose scream]: “YOU NEED TO LEARN TO CONTROL YOUR ANGER, MR. POOP HEAD!!! So nice to know the parenting is working… Sort of.
87. “Is it too late to change my answer to ’no’ – no, I won’t clean up the basement??” -Child who doesn’t want to see his next birthday
88. “Mom, um, do we have baking soda and vinegar? It’s for, um…an experiment… Don’t worry.” #LifeWithBoys
89. “I’d like to make this clear, Mom. Today, I cannot speak Spanish.” -Aidan “Captain Obvious” Ewoldt
90. “Someday I’d like to jump out of a helicopter, without a parachute…and also without dying.” -Aidan R.I.P. Ewoldt #LifeGoals #LifeWithBoys
91. “What was that crash?”
“Don’t worry! We are playing baseball!”
“In the family room..?? I’ve told you not to play baseball in the house before!”
“We know! That’s why we’re using Chase’s knight sword and a tennis ball!!”
#WorldSerious #NotScholarshipMaterial
92. “What have I told you about not consigning your siblings to Davy Jones’ Locker?” #LifeWithBoys #KidsOfNerds #NotEnoughCoffee
93. “[death grip] YOU…[punch] CAN’T…[jab] TACKLE…[slap] GIRLS…!! [punch]” #SisterFail #WhoRunTheWorld
94. “When I grow up, I’m going to join the school orchestra… And I’m going to play the banjo!!” #NotScholarshipMaterial
95. First day of Thanksgiving vacation and the boys are attempting to watch “Planes: Fire and Rescue”…in FRENCH.
[giggle, giggle] “Chase, next, let’s see if we can watch it in IRISH!”
#NotScholarshipMaterial
96. So, overall, I think the morning is going pretty well… #ThanksgivingBreak#StateOfTheDisunion #LifeWithBoys
97. “Chase, that’s IT! I’m putting you in a box and sending you to AFRICA!” -Aidan #ThanksgivingBreak #StateOfTheDisUnion #LifeWithBoys
98. Grandma: “And then…we have an edible craft!”
Aidan: “Oh! Oh! Is it papier-mâché turkeys?!”
…
May your Thanksgiving be smarter than ours… #NotScholarshipMaterial
99. Hmmm… So, when I said “Put the condiments in the fridge”, you heard…?
#LifeWithBoys
100. “Mom, Darcy put toothpaste in my peanut butter sandwich!”
Well, *that* was unexpected…
#HerFathersDaughter
101. “Would you like a cup of tea? There are no bombs inside, I promise.”
#TeaPartiesWithBoys
102. Overheard this morning: “First you get a knife, and then…wait, Karsten, don’t try this at home, okay?”
#LifeWithChase #FearlessFighter
103. Store clerk: “You you go, little boy. This is for you.” [holds out a blank gift card]
Me: “How kind! Karsten, what do you say?”
Karsten: [pauses to look up at the clerk contemplatively] “Thank you. …and I’m sorry for farting in your store.”
…
…
If you need me, I’ll be in the fetal position for the next 20 years.
#LifeWithBoys
104. “Mom, I want you to know that even though we don’t, um, really know what ‘be careful’ means, we are, um, being careful.” #LifeWithBoys #TrueLove
105. “Yes, but why would you WANT to put food in your armpit?” #LifeWithBoys #LifeGoals